ARTHUR AND SAM
( They got on the fost'un as came. ) by Roger Watson Now Arthur and Sam they were brothers Who had spent all their lives pretty near In a place as is called Ostley Woodhouse That's near Ostley in Derbyshire Of vices they hadn't got many They said 'smoking and drinking's for fools' But they both clubbed together each week wi'out fail And had 10 bob on th'old football pools Now folks use to say that were 10 bob down drain There was better things they could have done And they'd never see owt of their money again ' Til one week they upped and they won There were only nine draws on coupon that week And Arthur and Sam had got eight A bloke come from papers to ask how they felt And both on 'em said 'Bloody Great' Next wednesday a fellow come round wi the cheque It was 50 odd thousand they drew And Sam went straight out for a new suit of clothes And Arthur Said 'I'll get one too' So they decked themselves out like a real pair of toffs With silk waistcoats and long woolly vests Then they sat them sens down by side of the fire To work out what to do wi the rest Now they both allus wanted to travel And as lads their heads had been full Of far away places with strange sounding names Like Scunthorpe and Barnsley and Hull So they made up their minds for to go round the world But problem was where to go first Ses Arthur 'Calcutta', ses Sam 'Matlock Bath' So they tossed up and Matlock Bath lost Next day they went out and each bought a new Mac In case it should come on to rain Then they went to the bus stop at end of their street And they got on the first 'un as came 'Two to Calcutta how much'll that be?' Said Sam as conductor drew near But conductor looked at him and then shook his head And ses 'Nay lad we dunno go theer' 'We can tek thee to Ostley', 'alreet then' said Sam 'We mun change there and then try agen' So they got off at Ostley and waited at stop And they got on the first 'un as came 'Two to Calcutta, have you change for a pound?' Conductor looked at them reet queer And he pulls a big timetable out of his bag And ses 'Nay lad we dunno go theer! You mun get off at Derby and then tek a coach' Sam said, 'Thank you' and Arthur said same So they went to bus station where coaches go from And they got on the first 'un as came 'Two to Calcutta, what time do you get there?' Said Sam as conductor appeared But poor feller blinked and then scrat his head And said 'Nay lad we dunno go theer!' Well they wandered through England, Through France and through Spain And folks allus told them the same They travelled on trains and boats and planes And they allus got first one as came They heard lots of language they couldn't mek out But message come through loud and clear It was 'parles vous Francais' and 'Sprecken sie Deutsch' And 'Nay lad we dunno go theer' But they stuck to their guns and they never give up Til one morning in some foreign place They saw 'Calcutta' on front of a bus As plain as the nose on your face So they got to Calcutta and had a look round And went into a café for some snap But they'd no fish and chips nor home-made steak pies Just curries and all of that … stuff Ses Sam 'I'd give owt for a nice plate of tripe' And Arthur said 'he felt the same' So they crossed the street for to get the bus home And they got on the first 'un as came Aye they got on the bus and they sat themsens down Folks around them was all black as night And conductor were too but oh when he smiled His teeth showed up lovely and white They heard lots of language they couldn't mek out But message come through loud and clear It was 'parles vous Francais' and 'Sprecken sie Deutsch' And 'Nay lad we dunno go theer' But they stuck to their guns and they never give up Til one morning in some foreign place They saw 'Calcutta' on front of a bus As plain as the nose on your face So they got to Calcutta and had a look round And went into a café for some snap But they'd no fish and chips nor home-made steak pies Just curries and all of that... stuff Ses Sam 'I'd give owt for a nice plate of tripe' And Arthur said, he felt the same So they crossed the street for to get the bus home And they got on the first 'un as came Aye they got on the bus and they sat themsens down Folks around them was all black as night And conductor were too but oh when he smiled His teeth showed up lovely and white 'Two singles to Ostley' said Arthur and Sam And conductor replied pretty prompt And with a nod of his head he said 'Is't Ossley or Ossley Wood' us tha wants?'
The end