CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE
by Anonymous It was Christmas Eve in the workhouse The beadle was pissed as a newt, The cold froze the porridge right over And affected brass monkeys to boot. The paupers looked forward to Christmas As a time of indulgence and fun, They got cocoa instead of cold water A cracker, double porridge and buns. The dinner was really the favourite The thing they looked forward to best, Featuring bulk issue reconstitute chicken Which weren't poorly but just looked depressed. They could sing if they did it quietly They could eat until they nearly felt full They could kneel and pray extra long praises Give thanks and other such bull. So excitement were rising each minute As Christmas came nearer their way But just seconds before it struck midnight A terrible voice said "Nay!" "What bastard has pissed in me clog!" (Twas the beadle who shouted in rage) "For this no-one eats Christmas dinner And I'll put you each back in your cage." For he was a sensitive person Who liked a laugh with the lads But he got the hump at pissing in footwear He'd borrowed that day off his dad. "You'll have nowt but stale bread and water" Said he "Till the culprit owns up" But no-one said they had done it So the beadle locked them all up. They spent the whole day bewailing That their dinner had gone to the dog And they cursed in despair that awful day Someone pissed in the beadle's clog. But here comes that part of the story The moral and pointed bit That makes you see God's got a plan So you laugh and don't give a shit: The chicken was packed in Argentina A friendly South American place And was teeming and creeping with typhoid That came from the old River Plate. And so in the other workhouses The paupers were dropping like flies But as to this one it was only The usual high average died. And the paupers danced and sang praises That they'd only had water and bread Which doubled as a wake for the beadle who'd Ate chicken and now was well dead. So the moral we see quite clearly: This is: God loves the poor, And if you've only got bread and water Why! he loves you ten times more. So leave it all to your masters It's all for the best in the end Don't shout and be stubborn and nasty, If the boss says bend, YOU BEND! And the paupers have got a new beadle Who never gets piss in his clog Cos the typhoid that did for the old one Also slayed his incontinent dog.
The end