written by Mabel Pagden & Gerald Morrison ( 1932 ) performed by Chesney Allen (of Flanagan & Allen) The sweetest pup I know, had never seen a show, But he's quite the fastest thing I ever knew; He was taken out and tried, and when he and "Flea-Bag" tied, I knew I'd picked a winner good and true. So the only thing to do was to buy a good shampoo And take him home and wash him with dispatch. For though it was a bore: if we entered him before For any race we knew that he would scratch! Well, when we got him back his coat was just like black, But when shampooed he turned as white as snow. We called him "Tim" at once, but after sev'ral months, We found we had to change his name to "Flo". We fed her oats and hay, till one fine summer's day We thought her fit to race upon the track. For she'd won a race with ease, against two Pekingese, From the dustbin to the garden gate and back! We trained her very hard; made her skip in our back yard. And gave her jugg'd hare every day at four. We tried to keep it dark, but the silly ass would bark, And reporters came around us by the score. When the news was spread abroad what a victory she'd scored, The bookies got the "wind up" quite a bit. Of course they tried to hedge, then rushed out and signed the pledge, And the poor old Tote it nearly threw a fit! The betting was immense-enormous sums in pence. On every hand you heard them sing her praise Mr. Woolworth had a smack, and so had Ramsay Mac, And twenty Scotsmen shared a bob both ways! The day dawned bright and clear-but "Flo" was looking queer As we saddled her and tied her girth beneath; But altho' she wasn't well, we knew she'd run like fury, When once she felt the bit between her teeth. They're off! They're off! They've started, she's first upon my soul! She's given the hare a kick in the pants, and nearly scored a goal! See! they're running down the straight: Flo's first, she'll win the race. Ah see, they're running tail to tail, Now look, they're face to face! Flo is running like the wind, the hare she's nearly passed: She's leading all the other dogs: but now she's running last! Aha! The pack has halted, the hare stands in the track, And in the twinkling of an eye Flo jumps upon his back! They're rounding Tatt'nham Corner, they falter in their stride: The umpire blows the whistle, he's given Flo "Off-side". They're off again like thunder, poor Flo is almost beat; Look look, they're running neck and neck, and now they're feet to feet! The race is nearly ended, they're coming down the straight; The bookies pack their satchels up-they're edging near the gate. Our Flo is running gamely, though she's missing on one lung: Hurrah! She's started panting... Yes she's won by HALF A TONGUE!
The end