by Richard Digance When I was a lad in short trousers, I was taken to Southend-on-Sea, There was me mum and me dad, me deceased auntie Glad Me brother, me sister and me. Now I don't mean auntie Glad was deceased when we left Well!... that was the general assumption Though I weren't all that sure... 'cos bar the odd snore The rest of 'er seemed to malfunction! I said, "Auntie, can we bury you, up to your 'ead?" The way kids do to older relations. But Southend's got no sand, just some stones close to 'and, And some World War 2 fortifications. Well, we 'acked at the bunkers with buckets and spades "Pile 'em up to 'er neck!" me dad said. Then, just for a larf, we placed crabs in 'er scarf And a flag on the top of 'er 'ead. And the tide came up to 'er 'andbag It lapped around three of 'er chins, Me mum yelled, "Why don't you leave 'er alone?" So we did... went and played on the swings. As I say, she's sadly departed, now. And I must say, I miss auntie Glad 'Er and me down, at Southend-on-Sea, They was good times the Digances' 'ad. It was always the way with Londoners To go see the lights, every year, The 'ustle and bustle... the cockles and mussels And to walk 'long the world's longest pier. Nearly a mile out into the sea Either walkin' or goin' by train. Heavin' over the rail... in a force seven gale Then on all fours a mile back again. Icicles 'ung from me nostrils But me mum would say, "Never mind, dear!... It was worth every penny, 'cos I don't think too many Have walked the world's longest pier. I remember me sister got chatted up, once By some bloke in a 'Kiss Me Quick' 'at Well, she kissed 'im... seduced 'im, damn near reduced 'im To marriage in seven months flat! Here comes the bride, with something inside The Vicar said, "Hello dear." Her legs turned to jelly when 'e noticed 'er belly And gave 'er the world's longerst peer! Well, the world's longest pier... ain't there anymore, It burned down a few years ago... And the trains ain't steam now... they're diesel, And the girls don't parade to and fro. No, girls don't go to Southend anymore, It's all Nice now or sunny Solaire. And on that French Riviera, they bathe that much barer... In pursuit of the world's longest Pierre!
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