THE BIGGEST ASPIDISTRA IN THE WORLD
by Harper/Haines/Connor Performed by Gracie Fields For years we had an aspridistra in a flower pot, On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the Hall It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe, Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall. So he crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree And planted it against the garden wall, It shot up like a rocket, nearly touched the sky It's the biggest aspidistra in the world. We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high, It's the biggest aspidistra in the world When father's 'ad a skinful at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes' He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes You'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzon of the apes Off the biggest aspidistra in the world. We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade So they put the water rates up half a crown The roots blocked up the drains, grew along the country lanes And they came up half a mile outside the town. Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot 'ouse, But a jealous rival went and burned it down The tomcats and the moggies must have spent their evenings out Up the biggest aspidistra in the world. They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout Up the biggest aspidistra in the world. The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree It's the biggest aspidistra in the world. It's getting worn and weary and it's leaves are turning grey It's the oldest aspidistra in the world So we water it with 'alf a pint of guinness every day It's the stoutest aspidistra in the world. The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town So we sold it to a wood-yard for a lousy half a crown It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
The end