by G.H. Goodwin Alfred the Great In Denmark lived all t'Vikin's, Fellers 'oo looked for trouble. They thought nowt of a day trip to England An' knockin' things to rubble. It were a regular thing in them days To nip over an' plunder an' pillage, An' pinch all t'good lookin' lasses! An' leave nowt for lads of the village. English lads got fed up with this An' some of 'em started to balk. It weren't so much fun dancin' wi' fellers, An' people were beginnin' to talk. They 'ad a king called Alfred 'Oo once burnt all 'is wife's bread, An' things that she said at the time Fair blew 'is crown from 'is 'ead. Now t'Vikin' king, Guthrum by name, 'Avin' nowt better to do Said "Let's take afternoon off To visit England an' see wot's new". Off they went in their 'orn rimmed 'ats To England, usin' the ferry, An' thinkin' of plunderin' an' pillagin', Very soon began to get merry. Now t'feller 'oo were runnin' t'boat Were new to t'job that day, An' wot wi' drinkin' an' carryin' on Weren't long in losin' 'is way. 'E didn't say owt to king Guthrum, 'Oo just then 'appened to be kippin' in bed, An' instead of landin' in Yorkshire Landed in Wessex instead. 'This place don't look like Yorkshire" Said Guthrum, "I'm certain of that. I can't see fellers wearin' flat caps, Singin' 'On Ilkley Moor Baht 'at". King Alfred saw t'Vikin's comin' And rubbed 'is 'ands with glee. "Get yourself dolled up lass" 'e said to 'is wife, "These fellers are callin' for thee". King Guthrum 'oo'd first choice of women Took one look at Alfred's wife An' decided 'e'd be better off lootin' An' that cut 'er like a knife. '"Old on", said King Alfred, Annoyed at Guthrum's choice, "Wot's the idea of ignorin' me wife?" To which 'is wife added 'er voice. "Fancy ignorin' a lady" she said, "You're no gent, it's plain to see". "Yer right there luv", laughed Guthrum. "I've thrown better women in t'sea". On 'earin' these words rudely spoken Alfie's wife started to scream. "Why don't you do summat" she yelled to Alf "After all, I am thy Queen". 'Poor Alfred were a bit nonplussed, 'E 'adn't expected this rebuff. 'E didn't mind t'Vikin's collectin' 'is wife, An' to 'im that were enough. 'Now 'ere they were pillagin' an' lootin', Pinchin' everything but 'is spouse, An' before 'e could do owt about it Old Guthrum 'ad burnt down 'is 'ouse. Alfred got really mad at this An' shouted to t'peasant an' churls, "Let's 'ave this lot back in t'sea Before they get round to young girls". Then t'battle started in earnest, With King Alfred leadin' 'is men, 'E soon sent old Guthrum packin' An' 'e never came back again. So if a feller starts chasin' yer wife, Think 'ard before yer start shootin' It might be wiser to let 'er go, It's better than pillagin' an' lootin'.
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