LIMERICKS - 2
GRANDPAPPY'S SELECTION A selection from Ron. Mortlock (Grandpappy). A railroad official at Crewe Met an engine one day that he knew. Though he nodded and bowed The engine was proud, and it cut him - it cut him in two! divider A traveller when dining in Crewe Found a fat little mouse in his stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout And wave it about, Or the rest will be wanting one, too" divider There once was a fellow in Perth Who was born on the day of his birth. He was married, they say, On his wife's wedding day, And he died when he quitted this earth. divider There was a young lady from Wilts Who walked around Scotland on stilts. When they said "Oh, how shocking To show so much stocking," She answered "well, what about kilts?" divider There was a daft gardener in Leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds. In a month the poor ass Was all covered in grass And he couldn't sit down for the weeds. divider There was a young man of Montrose Who had pockets in none of his clothes. When asked by his lass Where he carried his brass He said "Darling, I pay through the nose!" divider A certain young man of the Tyne Put his head on the south-eastern line; But he died of ennui For the 5.23 Didn't come 'til a quarter past nine! divider On the breast of a barmaid in Sale Is tattoo'd the price of brown ale And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Is the same information, in braille! divider From the crypt of the Church of St. Giles, Came a cry that resounded for miles; Said the Vicar "Good Gracious! "Has Father Ignatius "Forgotten the Bishop has piles?" divider In London, an immigrant peasant Clutching one Lady Amherst pheasant Got the tube from Victoria, And, filled with euphoria Alighted at Mornington Crescent! divider A cartographer working for Shell-Mex Made a list of the ways he'd had sex. He described with much mirth Sixty-nine (soixante-neuf) As "The time I tried base over apex." divider On "Tonight," when Jeremy Paxman, Interrogating a soft hearted taxman, Got bad indigestion Whilst asking a question The taxman said "Paxman, relax man!" divider The niece of Sir Horace Cholmondeley Is an actress, well known and quite colmondely. She campaigned for the Ghurkas She doesn't wear burkas And she's famous as Joanna Lolmondeley! divider There was a young fellow from Bicester Who fell in love with his Sicester When accused of incest He lost interest, But he still got a thrill when he Kicester divider Oh yes. I believe in old Santa, And every year go to the Panto- Mime, where they rhyme Every line, all the time And the audience joins in the banter. divider Don't fret about who is the worst, Tracey Emin or Damien Hurst What they call 'Modern Art' Is not worth a fart Old Masters will always come first! divider I remember the time that our Curate Caught a cold and he wanted to cure it But the potions and pills That he took for his ills Didn't work, so he had to endure it. divider I remember the time that our Curate Caught a cold and he wanted to cure it But the pills that he tried Made him sick, and he died He'd have been better off to endure it. divider A daring young private named Slaughter Did something he didn't have oughter Because 'Other Rankers' Are made to do jankers For shagging the Brigadier's daughter. divider The London Palladium dancers Were had by a good many chancers, A wandering Jew, The Man From The 'Pru And the 17th./21st. Lancers! divider The London Palladium dancers Were had by a good many chancers, A wandering Jew, The Man From The 'Pru And the band of the Queen's Royal Lancers! divider I sleep very well since we parted, So really I’m not broken hearted. I still think you’re a prude To say I was rude To laugh at your Mum when she farted! divider There once was a dancer, Ann Miller; A cutie, a real stocking-filler Her legs were so long They outlasted the song And her smile was a top of the biller divider At breakfast, a gourmet once said 'Bugger off with your chocolate spread; 'And sod peanut butter,' We all heard him mutter, 'I want marmalade on my bread.'
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