LIMERICKS - 5
MORE FROM PETER A young lady reporter from Youghal Wore a newspaper dress at a ball But the dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section and all. divider The jolly old vicar of Bray His roses allowed to decay His wife, more alert Bought a powerful squirt And said to her spouse, “Let us spray.” divider A pretty young lass from Moyass Had a truly magificent ass Not roundy and pink As you possibly think It was brown, had long ears and ate grass. divider There was a young girl from Athy With shape like a capital I When the lads thought it bad She started to pad Which explains how some figures can lie. divider A young girl who lived in Askeaton Had a figure with plenty of meat on She said, “Marry me, dear And you’ll find that my rear Is a grand place to warm your cold feet on. divider There was a young milkmaid of Wien Who fell in the butter machine They were greatly concerned At the way she got churned It took ages to get the thing clean. divider An opera star from new York Sang Aida, made up with burnt cork By way of an answer A black ballet dancer Did Swan Lake just smothered with chalk. divider An active girl athlete from Brussels Had remarkable gluteal muscles. Till she stripped for a sport All the onlookers thought She was wearing a couple of bustles. divider There was an old sculptor from Thanet Who carved Aphrodite in granite. From the neck to the femur he Did it from memory Can't be the best method, can it? divider The cook that we have here in Suva Caught her hand in the washing-up Hoover. We placated her squeals But from now on our meals Taste of finger-nail varnish remover. divider A long-winded preacher from Babylon Used to gabble and gabble and gabble on So the floors of the pews Were converted for use To play poker or patience or scrabble on. divider I can't think of anything horrider Than a one-day stop-over in Florida There are dozens of women With whom to goes swimmin' But it's too hot to go any forrader. divider A Catholic couple in Sark Used to make love by day in the park Their confessor from Alderney Said, "I'm appalled any Christian can't wait till it's dark." divider A professional lady named Iris Said, "I get lots of legal enquiries. But I'm no sort of wench For the bar or the bench They're so slow I'm 'ultra their vires'." divider If you smile at a girl in Venezia She sits down beside you and pezia. Though the English it Italy Criticise bitterly Sooner or later it gezia. divider An incautious skin diver named Charlie Did a dive in the Grande Canale To say the poor slob Was absorbed in his job Is much more than a facon de parler. divider There was a young lady of Salcombe Who, while dusting her body with talcum Slipped and suddenly sat On a hard front-door mat Now her bottom is tattooed with 'Welcome' divider A shark off the coast of Sorrento Ate a bather who swam troppo lento. They discovered his vest in Its lower intestine God knows where the rest of him went to. divider Said da Vinci to Cosmo, "Your Grace, Lisa's portrait's proceeding apace But I'd do it much better If I could just get her To take that damn grin off her face." divider There once was a bishop named Origen Who used the church font to cook porridge in. Though his baptismal rites Would increase weights and heights Their effect on the soul was discouragen. divider The loyalist voters of Rheims Wrote 'De gaulle' on the seat of their pants But the practice was stopped As they had to adopt An unseemly electoral stance. divider A girl from the Istrian Cape Used to safeguard herself against rape By prayers to Astarte A course in karate And pants of daedalion shape. divider The pollution thay have in Geneva Encourages gladular fever. To swim in the lake Is a dreadful mistake If you see a girl drowning, just leave her. divider The songs that are always the sweetest Are those that are never sung. The arrows the fly the fleetest Come form bows as yet unstrung And the biggest bang we ever heard Has not as yet been bung. divider There was a young girl guide from Kew Who set out to reach Timbuktu. So virile was she She reached Timbukthree Which shows what a girl guide can do. divider A widowed distiller from Brescia Wished to pickle his wife under pressure. But the Duchess of Palma Said, "Why not embalm her? It keeps them so very much fresher." divider This continual travel is vile Even though one goes first class in style. But remember in casia Get stuck in Malaysia A miss is as good as a mile. divider If you go to a movie in Addis What makes me especially mad is The camels they ride Have the same coloured hide So you can't tell the good from the baddies. divider An Arabian lady named Lizzie Wrote limericks so very lousy Because, being lazy She made the thing easy By omitting the vowels, the huzzy. divider There was an attractive Lahore Who bitterly said "A Mysore You can earn here in Delhi Enough for your belly But nevertheless Udiapore. divider There was a young lady named Dritton Who lived in a flat in Thames Ditton Had she been so extreme As to live out at Cheam This limerick couldn't be written. divider The ladies who live in Helsinki Are thin and flat-chested and slinky So most of the chaps Prefer much larger Lapps Who am I to condemn them as kinky? divider If you look for a girl friend in Tonga Where the women are broader and longer You might think that the tall Had no trouble at all So you might, but you couln't be wronga. divider There was a young student of Thame Who was so lost to all sense of shame That he read for his finals In public urinals Lots of medical men do the same. divider There are sundry old chess-players theses Which iron out some of life's creases For instance they state That you can't hope to mate If you do not develop your pieces. divider There was an old monk of Siberia In logical sense so inferior That he had to enquire Every time if the Prior Came before or behind the posterior. divider There was a young lady of Fiji Who fell off the back of her gee gee It's not that her weight Was excessively great But it stuck out too far from her C.G.
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