ALBERT RAMSBOTTOM GETS MARRIED
by Graffiti Poet Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom were happy and bursting with pride, on the day their son Albert got married to Mavis his beautiful bride. The sun shone more brightly that morning the birdsong seemed sweeter some how, 'It's time to go wake up our Albert' Mum said 'Tell him 'im come for 'is breakfast right now.' Dad came back down stairs, his face ashen 'His beds not been slept in' he said, 'If he's not made it 'ome from 'is stag do last night well, can I have his sausage instead?.' Meanwhile in the big cat enclosure at Blackpool's world famous park zoo, on a bed of dried ferns slept a lion and there slept his friend Albert too. He'd gone to the zoo to see Wallace to tell of his plans to get wed, and they laughed at his many adventures with his stick with the 'orses shaped 'ed. They spent many hours reminiscing 'bout when Albert had once stowed away, on the ship SS Tosser to Sydney just as Wallace was heading that way. Albert told of 'is plans to get married Wallace wished them both all of the best, then Wallace fell deep into slumber with the head of his friend on his chest. The sound of the keeper approaching caused Albert and Wallace to wake, Albert jumped from his somnolent posture shouting 'Crikey I'm going to be late !!!'. But Wallace not one to be flummoxed came up with a masterly plan, 'Climb up on my back Master Albert' he said 'I'll soon have you home with your Mam.' Tally Ho, Tally Ho shouted Albert his face all aglow with delight, he'd not long to get to his wedding he was almost too late but not quite. 'cross fields, over rivers and hedges as fast as an Eagle they flew, and they arrived back in Bacup at mid-day which was good coz the weddings at two. Albert thanked his friend Wallace profusely for everything Wallace had done, then he rushed in the house to get ready where he got a thick ear off his Mum. His parents were both glad to see him and thankful he'd come to no harm, Mum said 'Where've you been you big Lummox you look like you've slept in a barn". When Father had finished in tin bath Mother made Albert get in, then scrubbed him down hard with the loofah to which Albert made hell of a din. Dad looked quite the toff in his top hat "Just look at you Father" said Ma, then spit washed his face with her hankie sayin "You can't even wash yourself Pa." They got to the Church in an instant well it were only at top of the Brew, Albert waited, his face looked as ashen as a man on the gallows would do. When Mavis arrived in her Carriage her father was beaming with pride, then the organ announced her arrival with Mendlessohn's 'Here Comes The Bride', As she walked down the aisle with her bridesmaids Dad turned to Mother to say, don't cry coz we're losing our son, Mum coz I'd gladly have give him away. When Albert knelt down at the alter preparing to say his 'I do's', the guests started laughing behind him coz Dad had wrote HE LP on his shoes. The service went off with no mishaps a fact much to all their relief, til they all went outside for the photos to find Dad had forgotten his teeth. Confetti cascaded like snowflakes and pictures were taken by all, unaware they were watched by a Lion through a hole in the cemetery wall. As the happy young couple were leaving from his carefully picked hiding place, poked the scar covered nose of a Lion with the worlds biggest smile on his face.
The end