ALBERT R.N.
by Peter Booker There's a place in the North Called Blackpool Infamous for its inns, pubs an' dives Where many young lads went carousin' An' went on an' ruined their lives! It 'appened while out on a coach trip Albert 'ad taken to Blackpool one day While waitin' for an 'orse to be shod 'E 'ad upped and wandered away! Now Albert Ramsbottom were a pillock 'E should never 'ave gone in that den Where 'e met up wi' a bunch o' rough sailors On the look-out for likely young men! These sea-farin' types got 'im ratted. By plyin' 'im wi' strong ale an' brandy, An' between all the rums & blackcurrent Slipped in the odd Drambuie shandy! They 'ustled 'im off to the navy For they were the press gang, you see! An' before you coild say "Bob's yer uncle!" Albert were afloat out at sea! Next mornin' 'e were taken to t'Captain Who gave 'h a pep talk or two And welcomed 'im aboard the "Victory" Then 'anded 'im over to t'crew! They showed 'im 'ow to splice t'mainbrace An' climb up the riggin', so that 'E didn't lose 'is grip or 'is footin' An' end up on the deck wi' a splat! Albert settled into the shipboard routine As the days & the weeks slowly passed, Learnin' the ways o'f the salty sea dogs From t'bilges to top o' t'mast! Then one day 'e were summoned t'Captain Who cast an eye over the lad 'E 'ad to do that as he 'ad but the one, 'Aving gone an' lost t'other, how sad! "'Ey up, Albert!" said Captain 'Oratio "I've 'ad good reports about thee! I think tha'll do well down on t'gun deck, So nip on down there after tea!" "Aye, aye, Cap'n!" sez Albert, salutin' An' stomped off t'mess deck for tea, Givin' vent to 'is feelin's by swearin', An' kickin' ship's cat into t'sea! 'E went down t'gun deck as ordered An'was sent to 'elp Gunner Joe Whose job was to load balls into t'cannon As when they was engaged wi' the foe! They were near a place called Trafalgar When the French fleet 'ove into sight An' 'Oratio borrowed a coin off o'Joe To toss for to run or to fight! 'Eads came up for fightin', An' orders gave to Clear t'decks An' t'signaller ran some flags up the mast That said summat like "England Expects!" So the English engaged wi' th' enemy An' the French, likewise, replied Wi' cannonball an' shot the battled Broadside after broadside! Now Joe 'ad grabbed two big cannonballs To load up double for luck When a shot came in through t'gunport An' a barrel o' powder were struck! Joe disappeared out o' yon gunport Takin' t'two cannonballs wi' 'im! Blown out by t' force o' th'explosion An' takin' an unscheduled swim! Albert stuck 'is 'ead out o' t'gunport An' saw Joe attempin' to float! Yellin', above t'noise o' battle For someone to send 'im a boat! Joe were bobbin' about in t'water Sinkin'. then comin' t'top. 'E yelled, "If noboby saves me, I'll let these bloody cannonballs drop!" When Joe were pulled out o' water Nelson said he deserved a VC, But as it 'adn't as yet bin invented 'E gave 'im an egg for 'is tea! Now Albert an' Joe became shipmates An' 'ad many adventures of all sorts Usually involvin' pubs, taverns an' dives All round the world in all ports!
The end