ALBERT RAMSBOTTOM'S GRANDSON
by Paul Murphy You've heard the story of Albert Ramsbottom How he was swallowed by Wallace the lion in one bite And how he was returned to his parents All frightened and bedraggled... poor mite! Well Albert's now a granddad And he's left his Lancashire home He's been all around the country Even went to the Millennium dome. And having seen the rest of the country He decided to go where it's best So he took a train out of Blackpool And headed south, then headed west. Now he's bought a house in Penzance He loves it with all his heart He tells everyone he speaks to How it's so handsome and right smart Albert is now a granddad And his grandson's called Albert, too. And it was decided when the family came for the summer To take him to Newquay, to the zoo. Nay granddad, said young Albert That sort of thing's not really for me Now you live here in Cornwall Let's go catch some fish in the sea His granddad thought this was for the best There was no point tempting fate History might repeat itself And being eaten wasn't great! So they walked down the hill to the harbour And hired a boat from the docks They chugged out past the lighthouse And turned right to avoid all the rocks When they got in the bay, in the middle Young Albert said, "This is the place to catch fish." So they arranged themselves fore and aft And cast out their lines with a swish. Then they sat there for hour after hour Maybe them fellas from Europe are right The reason our hero's caught nothing There wasn't a fish within sight. Then suddenly the sea started to boil A great whale came up from the deep It quickly took young Albert's bait And he was pulled from the boat with a leap. The whale headed away from the harbour Young Albert clutching his rod in a spin His granddad shouted, "Let go lad!..." But young Albert still thought he could win. Then the whale swam around in a circle And came back at the boy from beneath It opened it's mouth with a gurgle To reveal a ring of white teeth. His granddad started the boats engine To rescue the boy from the whale But it swallowed him and dived back down where it came from With a splash and a flick of it's tail. Old Albert headed back to the harbour To raise the alarm and get a rescue afloat But when the boats owner saw him come speeding He cried, "'ere, what you doing wi' me boat?" When told of the reason for the hurry You could see the man going pale He said, "My insurance has exclusions And one of them mentions a whale!" The boy's parents were told of the incident His mother took the news with a bold stance Then started to shout and to holler You could hear her all over Penzance. "You weren't looking after the boy proper I bet you were acting the goat Didn't you see what he was wearing? His new trainers and his best coat?" A rescue party was arranged with great haste They searched every inch of the bay But there was no sign of young Albert And the search were abandoned that day. Now, you may think that young Albert Was the most unfortunate boy around But in fact he was the luckiest Because of what inside the whale he found. At first he just sat there and cried Resigned to his obvious doom But he realised that things could get better As his eyes became accustomed to the gloom. The whale had been a very busy creature Visiting many far away places And it's stomach was full of boxes Great big ones liked packing cases. Albert opened some of the boxes And what he saw increased his pleasure Because he found to his amazement That they were all full of wonderful treasure. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't diamonds Or jewels, or bars of gold But something far more valuable To a boy who was just ten years old. There was nothing here by Gucci Or other famous names No, all these great big boxes Were full of wonderful computer games. His best friend already had loads of them Scattered all over his bedroom floor But Albert now wanted to tell him That he definitely had more Just then the whale did a silly thing It swallowed a whole rowing boat And straight away it wished it hadn't 'Cos it could feel it's stomach bloat. So it did the only thing it could To release the pent up pressure It spat it out, but also ejected young Albert And all his boxes of treasure. Albert grabbed armfuls of the games Even though he thought he had breathed his last But just then he was plucked from the water By a trawler that was just going past. Very soon he was back home with his parents They were beside themselves with joy They danced around and around and shouted Thank you god for returning our boy. Then he told them of his adventure Of the good bits and the bad And as they listened, sometimes they looked happy And sometimes they looked very sad But there is one thing about which they are decided One thing about which they all agree Nothing to do with fishing Or the perils of going out to sea It is this... People say that computer games come from Japan Carried here by boat and road and rails But the Ramsbottom family will tell you That actually computer games come from Whales
The end