ALBERT AND T'COMPUTER
by Peter J. Harris Now you've heard about Albert Ramsbottom How he were once ate by a lion And how he came back to his parents By a providence some call divine. Our Albert, well now he's a Grandad And his grandson is called Albert too; So he planned when the lad came one Christmas To take him along to the Zoo. "Nay, nay!" said the lad, "That's old fashioned. "That sort of thing's really quite tame. "Old Santa's brought me this computer, "So Grandad, please buy me a game." The game that they bought were called Dungeons; And Grandad thought it looked so real That he climbed right inside that computer And his Grandson came right on his heel. They climbed up a ladder of fire And dodged past Be-elzebub's shrine, Then the old man fell into a whirlpool, So Young Albert tried throwing a line. But Old Albert was dragged through the Vortex And was carried to Dracula's lair To be chained to the floor by his ankle And pinned to the wall by his hair. Well Young Albert, he had to do something To rescue his Grandad that day, So he went and found Merlin, the wizard, Who promised to show him the way. "You need to get outside t'computer." Says Merlin, "Then follow me round " By pressing the keys and the buttons, "Until the old man can be found." But just as they got though the Vortex, Albert's mother came in with a cough. "You playing again on t'computer! "I'm turning the ruddy thing off!" "Don't do it, our Mam!" cries Young Albert, "'Cos Grandad is somewhere inside!" Then she watched the lad zapping a demon With a laser gun - eyes open wide. Then Merlin, he found the right door Of the dungeon in Dracula's lair, And he said, after checking for gremlins, "I'm sure that your Grandad's in there." So Young Albert, he zapped at the doorlock, Then zapped at a vampire on guard, While Merlin untied poor old Grandad. And they both then escaped, running hard. Very soon they were outside the castle, But when Grandad gave Merlin his thanks, Grandma, who came by the computer, Said "Another of Albert's daft pranks!" When Old Albert got out of t'computer His wife really gave him what for; And he wondered if t'was better in t'Dungeon, Tied up behind Dracula's door!!
The end