ALBERT AND THE FIREWORK DISPLAY
by Richard B Gillion ( 2006 ) On bonfire night the Ramsbottoms Gave Albert a sparkler to wave He'd asked for a great roaring rocket But they thought that their money they'd save They didn't think much to the bonfire The flames they was fiddling and small No clothes smoking or whiskers singeing In fact nothing to laugh at at all There was no great square wadge of parkin No toffee that sticks in your hair No taties to roast in the embers And they'd gone baht their tea to get there They didn't think much o't' Guy neither Albert coulda done better himsen Wives had put out their husbands old suits But the men went and brought them back in But the attraction of the occasion On the posters all stuck up on high Was the greatest display of the fireworks That Standard of Huddersfield supply They'd have twenty huge Roman candles (If the Anglican vicar didn't mind) And Catherine wheels t' size of millstones One per man and per woman and per child There'd be rockets that flew on straight uppards For over a quarter a mile And burst with such wonderous magic As would make e'en a misery smile But before the display could be viewed like A contest they said there'd be there All t'lads and t'lasses with sparklers Had to make patterns in t'air Some spelt their names or drew circles Or waved them to left and to right But Albert he dreamt of a rocket That would fly right up into the night So he pulled back his arm with a will like Half singeing his short back and sides Flung his sparkler in a spinning parabola Like one of them newfangled rides It was a fair attempt at a rocket And a sight for each patron to see But Albert had given no thought for The end of its tra-jec-tor-y It were in an old wooden container With a tarpaulin stretched o'er the top. But when t'sparkler landed upon it That's not where the red hot wire stopped The display t'were meant to be a big un To last the best part of an hour Well t'best part of an hour was three minutes And the whole lot went up with a roar The rockets were meant to go 400 yards up And explode into starlight and ash But many folk found for t'first time in their lives They were good at t'400 yards dash T'Roman candles went off with such colours Like you never have heard or have seen And some of them headed for t'vicar Who legged it straight over t'town green But t' Catherine wheels were what you might call A kind of a piece de resistance Which made farmer Brown travel t' length of the town Without any mot'rised assistance. Now the lads and the lasses all started to cheer While their parents all dived under cover They clapped Albert on t'back and shook both his hands As if he was some long-lost brother The news of this firework fiasco Travelled to neighbouring places About as fast as the fireworks themselves And some of the fleeing spectators When after a time the adults emerged Looking shaken and stirred summat rotten The looked round about and then looked daggers drawn At Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom And many a child got a clip round the ear For giving young Albert acclaim They said thank the Lord the family concerned Had got no more daft kids to their name The folks all went home to their suppers Some saying "See you next year" And although Albert still thought it t' best display yet He went home with a flea in his ear.
The end