ALBERT AND THE CONDOM
by Mike Harding There's a famous seaside place called Morecombe That's famous for sweet FA Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom went there With young Albert on charabanc one day. A right little wart was young Albert He was allus in trouble tha knows Cos he'd faff about and dismantle a thing And break it to see how it goes. Aye, a right little wazzock was Albert A right obnoxious little prat He'd got so many belts from his father That the top of his head was quite flat. Now they didn't think much to Morecombe It were cold and everywhere were shut Father said 'For an August bank holiday I think it's a bit pigging much. And we're booked in here for the week I shall go pigging mad in this dump' 'Oh look on the bright side' said Mother 'We could've booked Scarborough for t'month. Now boarding house where they were stopping 'Sunny Sea View Villa' it was called Front windows looked out on gasometer Back windows on slaughter ‘ouse wall. The landlady had catered for Lucretia Borgia She was that tight she counted the salt The cockroaches picketed the kitchen And food were that bad cat were bald. On first night Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Left young Albert in on his own While they went for a pint at the ‘Pig and Manic Depressive' It were free and easy wi' Fred on the paper and comb. Now Albert had read all magazines, ‘The Sunday Post', ‘Womans Own' and ‘Whats Yours?' Then he went upstairs for a root and a rummage And peeping in dressing table drawers. What he found there was truly amazing He never had seen one before 'Nightrider' ‘twere called and Albert thought... 'Nightrider? ' – must be summat you wore. It were like his dads crash hat he used on his moped Only this were smaller and in red So taking it out of the packet He rolled it right over his head. When Ramsbottoms come back at closing time Albert was no where about 'Appen he's in bed' said mother 'Appen we'll go upstairs and find out.' Well they found little Albert wandering round landing Moaning and treading on cat There's a condom on his head' said father And Mother said 'Eeh… fancy that!' 'It's stuck to his head ' said father 'He's rolled it right down to his neck And his eyes look like boiled eggs in cling film." And mother said 'Eeh I am vexed!' What did you go and do that for, our Albert? You've got yoursen in a right mess' And all that young Albert could say was 'Umm um umm um umm um um!' 'He's gone a funny colour.' said father 'I think he's going to die' 'If he does I'll be vexed ' said mother 'I've just bought him a new shirt and tie! 'We'll have to cut a hole in it,' said father 'His voice is getting quite weak It's a shame to waste a good condom But we have paid full board for him for week' So they cut a hole in the condom With the saw that they used on the bread But tug as they would it were no flipping good It were stuck like gum to his head 'The fire brigade'll have to be sent for I'm right proper blazing' said Dad 'Next time poke a lion with a stick or summat We can claim on insurance for that' Fireman came and soon snipped it away Pa gave them two bob for their trouble They were laughing that much they crashed the fire truck And reduced 'Pig and Manic Depressive' to rubble. 'Well all's well that ends well' Said Mother 'That may well be,' father said 'but... It were last one we had and we're here for the week And all the pigging chemists are shut!' Now moral to draw from this story Is to lock up your drawers when you're out Cos if you've got a child like daft Albert You may find yourself going without!
The end