Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with
dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp,
so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Your letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was
two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an'
made some gumbo out of dem.
Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem
darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to
Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayouan fed the tird one to my
dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her
Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux!
I tol' you no more friggin' birds. Deez four, what you call
dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de
way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps,
an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
You finally sen' somethin' useful. I like dem golden rings.
I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuff
money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for
da boys at de 'Raisin' Cane Lounge'. Merci Beaucoup!
Dear Boudreaux, Couchon!
Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg suckin'
Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to
eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey
good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem
wit orster dressing on Christmas day.
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau,
da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds
is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on
dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to
swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted
dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat
to deliver dem eight maids a milkin' and their cows. One of
dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over
da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem
to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey
say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too
good ta skin nutrias I caught las' night.
What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher
ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across
the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with
crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da.
You get chicory coffee or nuttin'." Mon Dieu, Emile. what I'm
gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and
de cows done eat my turnip greens.
You got to be outs your mind! If de mailman don't kill you,
I will fo' sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from
Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be 'Ladies Dancin' but dey doan
act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos' left
after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da
out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an
had to get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf
fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin'.
Where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your eleven pipers piping
arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey
got off de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya
and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he having a good
time, yeah, dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off
de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get
a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no.
After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper.
We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou.
The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing, can make $20 for a table
dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since
de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my
crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business.
We will probably gross a million nex year.