THE BIG TALE OF HOO-FLUNG-MUD
by Greatrex Newman (1981) 'Tis a Tale they tell in Shanghai, At the Sign of the Scented Skunk; 'Tis a Tale they tell Of a deed of hell, In the wilds of Clapham Junc. At the House of a Hundred Hiccoughs, By the Gate of the Gilded Ghouls; In a robe of blue Sat Wun Lung Too, At work on his Football Pools. He'd a daughter named Chili Bom Bom, Of pedigree Chinese blood; And Wun Lung said The girl must wed The Mandarin Hoo Flung Mud. But the laughing Chili Bom Bom Had a secret boy-friend, Ben; An affair discreet (Told round the Fleet) With Midshipman Brown, R.N. They'd planned to elope together, For they made an ideal match; They'd hoped to bunk On a Chinese junk, Or hijack a yachtman's yatch. 'Tis a Tale they tell in Hong Kong, At the Sign of the Unwashed Neck; 'Tis a yarn they spin With a fiendish grin In the Tea-House of Tooting Bec. This night was the Feast of the Fowl-Pest, At the Banquet of Bluest Blood; And Wun Lung brought His Bom Bom daught., And with her came Hoo Flung Mud. They sat at the Tip-Top table, According to pride of place; And chopstick Chinks Stood Wun Lung drinks, And Hoo Flung Mud said grace. Then crash went a window behind them, And showing remarkable nerve - Young sailor Brown From the roof jumped down, Right into a dish of hors d'oeuvre. His strong arms seized his Bom Born, And carried her out, alone; He was, by gad, Some hefty lad, For she weighed nearly sixteen stone. 'Tis a Tale they tell in Foochow, At the Sign of the Whispered Hush; While Shepherds bright Watch flocks by night In the silence of Shepherds Bush. With Bom Bom in his arms, he ran Down the Street of the Swiping Sword; But in pursuit Ben heard the `toot' Of a second-hand Chinese Ford. They knew 'twas the car of Hoo Flung Mud, And he drove like a fiend of hell; 'Twas a race for life For he'd brought his knife... And his fork and spoon as well. The car was nearly upon them now, But Ben had a sailor's wits With one mad whirl He flung the girl... And her weight crushed the car to bits. Then he picked his Bom Bom from the wreck, (She seemed just a shade concussed), With a dark red mark From the plugs that spark, And a number-plate on her bust. 'Tis a Tale they tell in Peckham, At the Sign of the Pye Hi-Fi; With whispered word Of what occurred When Comin' thro' the Rye. Then Chinese Wedding Bells ting-ling, For Bom Bom, Queen of Vamps; Her Dad gave Ben Ten thousand yen, And twenty-five Green Stamps. For dangerous driving - Hoo Flung Mud Got fifteen years in clink; And Ben... outside With fist, black-eyed The Green Eye of the Little Yellow Chink.
The end