TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Re-Examined in Light of Competition
Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take
more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the
working hours could not be condoned. The positions are,
The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually
expand the number of hens used. A recent
time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal
migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the
company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens
do not meet federal residency requirements.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is
underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked. Once this information is
determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs
of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix
of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let
go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the
Personnel Department will assure management that from now
on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen
in better times. Their function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance
in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow
older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to
add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination.
Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their
voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department
will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee
Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords
plus the expense of international air travel prompted
the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group
with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should
result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed
by the election.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.
Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant
indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service
levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial
reduction in the use of part-time personnel.