HERBERT WINS THE WORLD SERIES
by Paul Gerard Smith performed by Pat O'Malley Electricity The Cubs was all girded for battle, The Yankees 'ad fire in their eye, The World's Series stood at three victories each, In other words, it was a tie. While thousands of fans 'oo 'ad gathered Filled the air with a terrible roar, A boy and a man in a box near third base Looked puzzled and wondered what for? The man's name was Mr. Pinwinkle, The boy was young 'Erbert, 'is son. 'Twas the first game of baseball young 'Erbert 'ad seen, And to 'Erbert it wasn't much fun. A friend 'ad presented Pinwinkle With a pair of box seats to the game And so 'e 'ad taken young 'Erbert, And now they were sorry they came. When, in practise, a man named DiMaggio 'It the ball over the fence The crowd stamped and 'ollered and whistled and screamed But to 'Erbert it didn't make sense. "Is it something like cricket?" said 'Erbie 'Is father replied, "Not at all, And it isn't a bit like backgammon." Then somebody shouted "Play ball!" For nine innings all was excitement, For nine innings nobody scored, For nine innings everyone else there went mad, But for nine innings 'Erbert was bored. Then suddenly there was an earsplitting cheer As one of the Cubs got on base, And Pinwinkle said, "These Americans, son, Are a 'ighly emotional race." The next man up bunted, neat sacrifice, And when the excitement was done One man was on second and one man was out And a single would bring in a run. Then 'Erbie began to take notice Of a chap 'oo was sitting be'ind 'E was jumping and letting out 'orrible sounds As though 'e'd gone out of 'is mind. Then taking advantage of one lucid lull, Young 'Erb touched the man on the knee, "You're becoming a bit of a nuisance, my man, Now what's all the bother?" said 'e. The man glared at 'Erb..."How would you feel, If you found yourself in my shoes? I win ten thousand bucks if the Cubs win the game And I go on the dole if they lose. "And that chump on second, 'e's glued to the bag And, that is what's making me sore, I'd give two thousand dollars if he would steal third Where a fly would permit him to score!' Now to young 'Erbert's ears this was nothing but Greek, It all sounded slightly absurd; But two thousand dollars! For that goodly sum 'E'd steal anything!... let alone third. So 'e turned to the man and 'e said "Point it out." "Point out what?" was, the other's reply. "This third you want stolen," said 'Erb with a wink, "Point it out and I'll give it a try." "Don't you know anything about baseball, you dope?" Said the man, "See that flat sort of sack? That's the third I want stolen." 'Erb nodded and said, "That's all I need know. I'll be back." Then quick as a wink 'Erbie slid from 'is seat And running like some frightened fawn, 'E grabbed 'old of third base, pulled it up by the roots, Tucked it under 'is arm... and was gone. Well, there was excitement; the people stood up, What they'd witnessed was past all belief, And fifty-five thousand throats let out.a roar And the women all shouted "Stop Thief!" 'Erbie dodged past the shortstop and out to left field, The third baseman joined in the chase. Then the umpires ran and the substitutes, too, And they chased 'im all over the place. They chased 'im to right field, they chased 'im to left, And they cornered 'im out near the flag. And the umpire said, "Son, you're delaying the game, Be a good boy and give us the bag." But 'Erbert was firm, and 'e would not give in Though they pleaded and begged and cajoled 'E 'ad stolen third base, and 'e 'ad it right there And to 'Erbert to 'ave was to 'old. They offered 'im peanuts and candy and gum, They asked 'ow 'is mother would feel When she learned wot 'e'd done; but 'Erb wouldn't give in Because 'Erbert at 'eart was a 'eel. Then manager Joseph McCarthy stepped up And said, "I'll handle this little guy. Now look, kid, the Series stands three games apiece, And we can't let it end in a tie. "There are millions of people all over the land Just waiting to see 'oo will win Be a good little boy, now, and give us the bag." 'Erb gave 'im a kick in the shin. Gabby 'Artnett came up and shook 'Erb rather rough And said, "Listen, you fresh little whelp..." Then 'e stopped as young 'Erb sunk 'is teeth in 'is arm So 'Artnett just 'ollered for 'elp. Then up stepped the umpires, four burly men 'Oo looked very rough and unkind, But before 'Erb got through, two were screaming with rage And both of the others resigned. So they sent for judge Landis 'oo came straightaway All judicial with 'air white as snow, And 'e said, "It's illegal, 'Erb, give up the bag." But 'Erb cleared 'is throat and said, "No." They sent for the Mayor, the Governor, too, But they just discussed ways and means. To the White 'Ouse they sent an emergency call And the President sent the Marines. But 'Erbert was adamant, 'Erbert was firm, Though they talked themselves deaf, dumb and blind. 'E 'ad stolen third base and considered it 'is And nothing would alter 'is mind. The Yankees said if 'e'd just lend them the base They'd make 'im their mascot for life, And one of the Cubs said 'ed give all 'e 'ad Including three kids and a wife. But 'Erb shook 'is 'ead and the deadlock went on, Whatever they said, 'e said, "No," And dinnertime came and dinnertime went, And everything stayed status quo. There was nothing to do but just call the thing off, For darkness was starting to fall, And everyone there 'ad gone 'ome in disgust And it was too dark to play ball. And so if you look through the records you'll see Although it seems rather absurd The World Series ended that year in a tie Because young 'Erb Pinwinkle stole third.
The end