SAM SMALL M.D.
by Paul Gerard Smith performed by Pat O'Malley Sam Small MD Now, General 'Orate Fitz Morris McCoy Was proud of 'is personal charm, A freckle, a 'angnail, a 'air out of place To 'im was a cause for alarm. For 'e loved the ladies, the ladies loved 'im, And 'e wanted to keep it that way, And for personal beauty, good clothes and good 'ealth There was nothink that 'e wouldn't pay. One week-end 'e woke up a bubble of joy, 'E sang as 'e dunked in 'is tub, For 'e'd been invited to spend the week-end At the 'ome of the Countess of Chubb. 'E put on 'is undies, 'e pulled on 'is socks 'Is trousis and best scarlet coat, And tidied 'is 'air and 'is mustache, and stood In front of the mirror to gloat. Then all of a sudden 'e stifled a scream At the sight of the tinest speck, For 'e knew in 'is 'eart that the speck was the start Of a boil on the back of 'is neck. For General 'Orace Fitz Morris McCoy Knew well that the opposite sex Would 'ave their affections for sojers dispelled By boils on the backs of their necks. 'E summoned the Sergeant. "Now, Sergeant," 'e said, "Although I look sturdy and strong And fit as a fiddle, and neat as a pin The rear of my neck 'as gone wrong. "There's a bit of a pimple 'as sprung into life At the point where my collar band rubs Go summon a doctor, and make 'aste, I pray, I'm due at the Countess of Chubb's." So the Sergeant went down to the medical room And was taken aback quite a bit, For the doc by mistake 'ad took two of 'is pills And was now in the throes of a fit. 'Ere was a dilemma. Fitz Morris McCoy 'Oo was not very calm at 'is best Became 'ighly incensed. "That's torn it," 'e cried 'Asn't someone somethink to suggest?" "I 'ave an idea," the Sergeant replied, "We could try. While there's life there is 'ope. When I was a kid, mother conquered a boil By a poultice of breadcrumbs and soap." So they sent for some soap and a yesterday's bun And mixed them according to Hoyle, And applied the disgoosting and odorous mess Smack dab on the General's boil. They waited a bit for the poultice to dry "'Old tight," Sergeant said, "'ere she comes." But the only result that the General got Was 'is pants full of soap chips and crumbs. So the General lined the men up on parade Explaining 'is plight to them all. And 'oo do you think was the man that stepped forth? You guessed it... none else than Sam Small. Sam remembered 'is mother 'ad cured boils on 'im By 'eating a bottle red 'ot. Then she'd empty the bottle, then she'd apply The bottleneck over the spot. Whereupon 'e would let out a bloodcurdling yell And 'is 'ead filled with fireworks and wheels, For the 'ot bottle took the boil out by the roots, And the roots ran right down to 'is 'eels. So Sam found a bottle that 'eld 'arf an ounce, 'E knew it would not do at all. It was all right for privates and sergeants and such But for Generals it was too small. Then 'e found a pint bottle, and then found a quart But 'e tossed them aside with the rest For a General's very important, you know, 'E rates what is largest and best. Sam was at a loss until 'e chanced to spy The beautiful five-gallon flask That dispensed distilled water for sojers to drink Now what more could anyone ask? So 'e 'eated it up as 'e'd seen mother do And said, "General, let's get to work. The 'ot bottle cure is quite painless you know, Just one sharp, but definite jerk." McCoy said, "I'll chance it," and bent down 'is 'ead Indicating the sore spot to Sam. Sam slammed on the bottle. The General's scream Was 'eard as far as Siam. For something went wrong; Sam 'ad not figured on The sooction 'is bottle would make; But when 'e saw the General's 'ead pop inside 'E knew 'e 'ad made a mistake. Sam, quick as a wink, grabbed McCoy by the 'eels And pulled, but the harder 'e tried McCoy folded up like a wet weary towel And was sucked like an oyster inside. 'Twas all very sudden, one moment McCoy 'Ad been standing right there beside Sam; It gave Sam quite a start to see 'Orate McCoy All bottled up neatly, like jam. Well, Sam was discouraged, but what could 'e do? 'E carried it through like a man, 'E wended 'is way to the Countess of Chubb Rang the bell, dropped the bottle and ran. The Countess of Chubb, when she answered the bell Saw a large bottle out on the grass And she fainted away when she saw that McCoy Was smiling at 'er through the glass. And to this very day all the sojers salute A bottle that stands on a shelf And Sam Small is gone. 'E's some place far away Feeling very ashamed of 'imself.
The end