SAM SMALL GOES TO THE ROSE BOWL
by Paul Gerard Smith performed by Pat O'Malley The Rosebowl The Game at the Rose Bowl is quite an event, And tickets are much in demand. There are millions of folks 'oo would like to attend, But the stand only holds eighty grand. Now, General 'Orace Fitz Morris McCoy, Was given a seat to the game, 'E wanted to go but 'e couldn't because, 'E'd a previous date with a dame. The ticket wos marked "Use the W gate Tunnel nine, section seven, Box B Aisle two 'undred and ten, Lower level Row 8 And finally seat twenty-three." 'Twas a very fine seat, and Fitz Morris McCoy Could 'ave sold it again and again But a surge of bon homme inspired 'im instead To give it to one of the men. "Call all of the boys to attention," 'e roared And 'is order wos promptly obeyed Then 'e looked at them all in 'is fatherly way And said, "Men of the Seventh Brigade "I am 'ere to announce I intend to present An elegant seat to the game To the man 'oo, can say 'e 'as gone through the month Without a black mark to 'is name." Well, at that, 'alf the regiment walked off the field Without any further ado For they knew if McCoy gave their records a look The Ieast 'e could say wos "Pew." McCoy looked at the rest and said, "Lord love a duck This outfit of mine is a jinx It's a dismal, unruly, unsojerly lot... It's shameful, It's sloppy. It's appalling. "Surely one of your number 'as gone through the month Without breaking all the commands If you 'aven't, go back to your bunks and repent If you 'ave, simply 'old up your 'ands." Then, the General looked to see 'oos 'and wos up And 'e found there were no 'ands at all All the men 'ad gone off... that is, all except one And that one wos... you guessed it, Sam Small. When Fitz Morris saw Sam, 'e said, "Well, Private Small So you claim that your record is clean? For the last thirty days you've done nothink at all That was wrong, underanded or mean?" Sam replied, "Aye, that's right, I've done nowt at all." McCoy, as they say, took it big And said, "Where 'ave you been for the last thirty days?" Sam simply replied, "In the brig." Well, McCoy was quite fair. 'E wos forced to admit Sam 'ad a legitimate claim A man can't break rules while 'e's doing a stretch So Sam got the seat to the game. For the next seven days Sam wos walking on air 'Is excitement wos out of control And on New Year's Day some'ow 'e fought through the crowd And there 'e wos... outside the Bowl. With a ticket that said "Use the W gate Tunnel nine, section seven, Box B Aisle two 'undred and ten, Lower level, Row 8 And finally seat twenty-three." And 'anded it in to the man at the gate And the man stared at it with a frown And as Sam started joyously through 'e said, "Wait... Your entrance is seven gates down." So Sam took 'is ticket and elbowed 'is way Through the crowd, and it wosn't much fun. As 'e 'eld out 'is ticket a roar from inside Told Sam that the game 'ad begun. The man took 'is ticket and Sam started in With a 'eart full of joy and delight The man said, "This is W gate on the left You want W gate on the right." With cheers from the crowd ringing loud in 'is ears 'E tried every gate 'e could find And when 'e found the right one the quarter wos done And Sam wos 'alf out of 'is mind. Sam dashed through the gate and 'e 'anded 'is stub To the very first usher 'e spied The usher looked at it and said, "Tunnel Nine That's round on the opposite side." Sam grabbed the stub and 'e ran like a deer That 'ad sat on some 'ot turpentine The man said, "Your ticket." Sam said, " 'Ere it is And don't tell me this ain't Tunnel Nine." The man took 'is ticket and said, "You're okay You want section seven... let's see, This is section eighteen, you go right straight ahead Down six, over seven, up three." So Sam fought 'is way to another young man And gave 'im 'is ticket, and then The young man called another and gave 'im the stub And it started all over again. By and by, by some accident, Sam got a seat 'Is knees and 'is ankles wos skun And just as 'e started to look at the game 'Ewos shocked by the sound of a gun. "Well, there goes the 'alf," said the man just be'ind For ten minutes Sam looked at a band And some boys dressed in white making pictures with cards Across in the opposite stand. But Sam didn't mind, there 'e wos at the Bowl There wos still 'alf a game left to play And band left the field, and the players ran on And Sam wos excited and gay. Then a 'and touched 'is shoulder and somebody said "Could I see your ticket again?" Sam produced it. The man said, "I'm sorry, old chap You're across in two 'undred and ten." So Sam staggered out through the tunnel once more To where 'e 'ad been told to go A young man took 'is stub, called another young man 'Oo looked at the stub and said "Oh!" They sent 'im around to the end zone, and then 'E wos sent to the twenty yard line Where a man took 'is ticket and said, "Over there, Section seven, Box B, Tunnel Nine." That night about midnight, the crowd wos all gone And the watchman wos closing the Bowl 'E saw somethink odd on the fifty yard line And 'e muttered, "Why, Lord bless my soul!" 'E crept toward the figure, 'is gun in 'is 'and In case 'e should try to resist And there wos Sam Small spinning round like a top With 'is ticket stub clutched in 'is fist. 'Oo are you?" said the watchman. Sam came to a stop And 'e said, "Samuel Small is my name I'm in SEAT TWENTY-THREE, SECTION SEVEN, BOX B And I'd like to know... 'oo won the game?"
The end