SAM SMALL AND BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
by Paul Gerard Smith performed by Pat O'Malley Cornwallis 'ad surrendered, the war 'ad reached an end And freedom's bell 'ad rung its silvery note. The British army sailed for 'ome, all but a rare good friend; As usual, Sam Small 'ad missed the boat. Sam wandered hither- thither, and 'e went from to to fro And from fro 'e went to 'ither, then to yon; 'E wos a footloose sojer and 'ad nothink on 'is mind, In fact, 'e 'ad no mind to 'ave it on. 'E wandered out of Yorktown, when 'e put aside 'is gun And by and by 'e came to Valley Forge Where 'e ran across a gatepost, with a sign, "George Washington." So 'e stopped and 'ad a cup of tea with George. But George was rather busy being president, you see, And making laws for all 'is fellow men. Sam felt that 'e was in the way, and thanked George for the tea Put on 'is 'at and 'it the road again. 'E came to Philadelphia, a quiet sort of town, And 'e stepped into a tavern for a snack There 'e met a lot of patriotic Philadelphians Patrick 'enry, Jefferson and Connie Mack. 'E treated them, they treated 'im, a jolly time was 'ad, And by and by Sam's funds was getting low. 'E said, "I am a stranger 'ere, I need a job, me lad, If theres any to be 'ad you ought to know." Now Patrick 'enry's work was making speeches to a mob, And when 'e faced a crowd, Sam died of fright, And Jefferson?... well, writing constitutions was 'is job, And the drawback there was Samuel couldn't write. Well, they pondered and they puzzled and they 'it upon a plan Just when Sam Small's future started looking black; They said, "'Ow about Ben Franklin? 'E's a busy little man 'E gets out a book called Richard's Almanac. " 'E's got to 'ave somebody to distribute them about And the postal service 'ere is pretty poor, Do you think that you could do it?" Sam scratched 'is 'ead in doubt. 'E thought 'e could. 'E might. 'E wasn't sure. Well, they bought 'im one more noggin, which encouraged 'im a lot, And 'e said 'e thought 'e'd give the thing a try; Then 'e took the bottle, 'ad another little shot, Thanked them warmly, shook their 'ands, and said, "Goodbye!" With 'is knapsack on 'is shoulders, Samuel plodded down the lane And by and by it started getting warm, Real muggy like and sooltry, then it started in to rain, And Sam said, "I think we're going to 'ave a storm." There 'e was with no umbrella, something that no Englishman 'As ever gone to take a walk without. And when the lightning started, down the muddy road 'e ran To try to find some shelter thereabout. But though 'e ran and ran and ran across the countryside There was not a 'ut, a twig, a tree in sight. 'E was getting rare discouraged, and then suddenly 'e spied A gentleman a flying of a kite. Sam stopped in sheer amazement and 'e said, "Lord love a duck!" The stranger turned and smiled and said "Amen! Come over 'ere my friend, there's no need standing in the muck My name is Franklin... neighbors call me Ben.", Sam gulped and said, "'Ow are you, Ben? My name is Samuel Small, And now that we two know each other's names 'Ave you noticed it is raining, and it's lightning and all? It's a silly sort of day for playing games." Ben turned to Samuel Small with quite a patronizing gaze, And said, "No doubt, you think that I'm insane. Most any idiot can fly a kite on sunny days; I'm smart... I like to fly them in the rain." Just then there was a gust of wind, the kite began to dive And fell to earth with one gigantic swing, And Franklin was quite petulant. 'E said, "Land sakes alive, I'll 'ave to put a weight upon the string." Then fishing in 'is pocket, 'e secured a great big key That looked as though it weighed a half a ton, 'E slipped it on the string and said, "That does it, now, let's see You go and 'old the kite and I shall run." So Sam went off and 'eld the kite and Ben ran down the 'ill , And up she went without the least mishap. And with the key to steady it, it flew serene and still Until there came a fearful thunderclap. Preceded by a lightning flash that made Sam's eyeballs sting And seemed to sort of whip 'im to and fro; When it was gone, Sam noticed that the key upon the string Was giving off a ruddy purple glow. So Sam reached out and touched the key and everythink went black And fireworks started shooting through 'is brains, And seven million indians stuck daggers in 'is back And carpet tacks was going through 'is veins. 'Is 'air turned bright vermilion, and 'is face turned indigo And sparks was dancing on 'is fingertips; And 'is body was surrounded by a phosphorscent glow Like the sun when it comes out of an eclipse. When Sam returned to normal, some ten minutes all in all 'E said, "Good Gawd, wot's gotten in the key?" Ben said, "Congratulations, you're a famous man, Sam Small, You've discovered Eeya lecka tricity.
The end