by Felix McGlennon It was the schooner ‘Aspirin’ Went sailing down the Strand The boy stood on the burning deck With a banana in his hand. We went and booked at Charing Cross And changed at Waterloo The skipper said, 'they’re after me For shooting Dan Magrew.' His little blue-haired daughter said “Oh, father, father, please, Why can’t that little boy sit down?” The boy said, “Not in these-” The skipper stood beside the helm His pipe was in his mouth His ears were pointing East and West His whiskers pointed South. And as the wind blew through them there His whiskers throbbed and throbbed He, anguished, cried, “What shall I do?” The Mate said, “Have them bobbed!” They reefed the anchor, furled the mast And then the sails went flap The skipper growled, “We’re lost, We’re lost Well - he was playing ‘nap’. Up came a monster of the deep And said, with angry nod You’ve got my Green Eye, skipper For I’m the Yellow Cod. The good ship shuddered, then it wept And said, “I fear I’m done.” The crew said “Give her Kruschen If you want to make her run.” Down came the storm, the hail, the snow Up came the gallant crew Up came the waves, up came the wind Up came their dinners too. The skipper tried to say a pray’r The crew said, “Ah, too late.” The second Mate, a Scotchman bold He went round with the plate. The Mate then started to recite And thus he loudly roared “’Twas Christmas day in the Workhouse.” Then we dropped him overboard. The Mate came back and asked us if He’d give us “Billy Rose” We lifted up the Colney Hatch And hit him on the nose. “Come, launch the boats” the skipper cried The crew said, “You’re insane The lifeboats are old-fashioned now We’ll launch the aeroplane.” And so we launched the Henry Ford As in the air we soared The good ship cried, “Oh, don’t leave me.” So we dragged it there on board. It was the Schooner ‘Aspirin’ It cried “I do feel ill.” We boxed its compass, then we gave it A Carter’s Liver Pill. And so we sailed, and sailed, and sailed Out o’er the frozen track A p’liceman yelled, “The Strand is up.” And so we all turned back. And then we turned - and turned- and turned The crew were sore afraid The skipper said, “Let’s turn our shirts Our laundry’s been mislaid.” The North - and South- and East - and West O’er fields of ice and snow We saw a big pole sticking up On the reef of Norman’s Woe. A bang, a crash, we tumbled down And shivered in the snow The North Pole never will be found ‘Twas shattered by the blow. Such was the wreck of the ‘Aspirin’ And ev’ry word is true The skipper was a holy friar And I’m a liar too.
The end