A LANKY (Lancashire) MACBETH
by John Baxter On a heath all lonely and blasted Weird women were drinkin' their gall The weather it had turned awful dreary And there were thunder and lightnin an' all. Now Scotland were at war wi' Norway An' a right to do were goin' on King Duncan's army were fightin' 'T were lucky for him that they won. Macbeth was the hero of the hour He'd killed Norway's King fair an square And Duncan were right chuffed when they told him So he threw his cap in the air. A smashin' chap were old Duncan A real nice feller quite a toff Burrhe were let down by t' Thane of Cawdor So the King said, "Cut is ead off!" Macbeth can 'ave is title. What 'e's lost Macbeth now 'as won So a messenger were sent to find him And tell him what t' king 'ad just done. Then Macbeth and his mate Banquo Met the three weird old dears Who made a number of prophecies Which sounded sweet in our Mac's ears. They told him he'd be made Thane of Cawdor And one day that he'd become King. Macbeth looked over at Banquo and said, "Well 'ave you ever 'eard such a thing?" To Banquo they gave him a riddle Told him he'd never amount to much But his children were going to be famous And rule over Scotland and such. King Duncan were made up wi' Macbeth And he asked could he stay for the night So Macbeth set off home quickly To make sure t' spare room were just right. Now Lady Macbeth had a letter Tellin' her a thing or two What the weird women 'ad promised And how some of it had come true. She were keen for her husband to get on And wanted him to be King So she plotted to kill poor old Duncan She were prepared to do just anything. Now Macbeth wasn't sure at all And he tried to tell her who's boss But she were not havin' any of it And said, "Ee, I am cross!" Ah've gone to all this trouble and strife Of druggin' is guards; they won't hear. Just use their daggers for t' murder And then look, we're in the clear. So Macbeth went and did the deed quick He washed the blood from his hand Everyone thowt t' guards 'ad done it And it was all just as they'd planned. King Duncan's two sons ran away Thinkin their 'ead might be off next. So Macbeth were made Scotland's King And Banquo he were right vexed. Macbeth were worried about Banquo 'Cos his son was framed to be King So he planned to 'ave them both killed In an afternoon when they were riding. The murderers they weren't very good And only Banquo were slain Macbeth said, "You daft pair of buggers Ah'm not usin' you lot again!" The Macbeth's then held a big banquet To celebrate wi' all their best mates All the guests were in a good mood Suppin' wine and beer by the crate. When Banquo's ghost turned up To Macbeth it were t' shock o' the day So his wife quickly ended the party And sent everyone home straight away. Macbeth went back t' weird women He wanted to find out some more For they would know what was to 'appen Of that now he was quite sure. They told him, "Beware of Macduff!" And what's more he could fear no ill Until the wood that grew over at Birnam Should move to high Dunsinane Hill. But the thing that gave Mac most comfort Was the oddest tale of them all. For none who was born of a woman Should ever be t' cause of Mac's fall. Now Macbeth were right pleased wi' 'is news He thowt he could never be beat. So he went back to 'is castle in triumph Thinkin he were safe in is seat. He sent t' murderers to Macduff's castle They killed everyone who was there But Macduff had gone to England To join wi' Malcolm, the rightful heir. But Lady Macbeth were right troubled Her conscience it gave her no rest. She walked round the castle at night time Fast asleep, only wearin her vest. She tried to rub her hands clean Of the innocent blood she had spilled Her brain was truly moidered By the thoughts of those they had killed. Young Malcolm were clever and shrewd He told his soldiers, "Don't fear Just cut down t' branches from t' trees And no one will know that we're here. A guard were watchin from t' ramparts He couldn't believe his own eyes. As the wood started movin' towards him And Macbeth were really surprised. Macduff were keen on revenge Macbeth he wanted to kill If he failed in his quest he feared His children would haunt him still. Then he saw Macbeth quite alone And called out to challenge his foe But Macbeth merely laughed in his face, "I've got a charmed life don't you know? None of woman born can harm me" Mac carried on the conversation. Then came the terrible news Macduff was born through a 'C' section. Macbeth now knew it were all over The weird women warned him of Macduff. "Lay on do your worst" he did shout, And dammed be him who first cries enough!" The fighting were vicious and fierce The battle went this way and that. Then Macduff sliced Mac's head from his shoulders And thought, "There's a feather in my hat." Malcolm, Duncan's son, was made King And he richly rewarded his friend For it 'ad all been a bit of a hoo-haa A rum do from beginning to end.
The end