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PAY THE DOLLAR
with
Abbott and Costello
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Bud Abbott: How can I help you? I'm a pauper.
Lou Costello: A pauper? Congratulations! Is it a boy
or a girl?
Bud Abbott: Never mind that … I'd still like to know
where you're going to get the money.
Lou Costello: Now, Abbott, you know I got the money coming.
Now this is the end
of
the year -- no more after this.
Bud Abbott: What do you mean?
Lou Costello: You know, 365 days in a year.
Bud Abbott: Well, I know that.
Lou Costello: I'm working for you, and you owe me a whole
year's salary!
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute …
Lou Costello: 365 days, 365 dollars, you owe me a dollar
a day.
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, let's straighten this out.
Lou Costello: Pay me up!
Bud Abbott: You say you worked 365 days for me, and you
want to be reimbursed.
Lou Costello: Look, I don't want to burst anything! Just
give me my money, 365 bucks,
I'll
get out.
Bud Abbott: Okay, look, now don't get excited, take it easy.
Now, listen. How many
hours
a day did you work?
Lou Costello: Eight hours a day.
Bud Abbott: And how many hours are there in a day?
Lou Costello: Look, now Abbott, don't try to put anything
over on me. There's 24 hours
in
a day, all but February, which has 28.
Bud Abbott: You're absolutely right, there are 24 hours
in a day. But by working 8
hours
you only really worked one-third of each day, isn't that right?
Lou Costello: That's according to the way you figure it.
Bud Abbott: Well, one-third of 365 is about 121 dollars.
So you only actually have 121
dollars
coming to you. That's the way I reckon it
Lou Costello: You sure are wreckin' it! Come on, give it
up, give me the dough.
Bud Abbott: Well, you did have 121 dollars coming, but …
Lou Costello: I knew there was a but in it.
Bud Abbott: But you didn't work Sundays, did you?
Lou Costello: No, I had to take a day off to wash my lingerie!
Bud Abbott: All right, there are 52 Sundays in a year, deduct
52 from 121 dollars which
leaves
69 dollars coming to you.
Lou Costello: You're sure of that?
Bud Abbott: Positive!
Lou Costello: You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself.
Bud Abbott: Now, that's mighty nice of you, to look out
for my interests.
Lou Costello: I may as well look out for yours, you already
wrecked mine! Come on,
Abbott,
give me the money. Give up something, will you?
Bud Abbott: All right, I'll be glad to give you the 69 dollars,
but …
Lou Costello: Hold on to your hats, here we go again! Look,
Abbott, give me a couple
of
dollars. How's that?
Bud Abbott: Well, you must admit you only worked a half
a day on Saturday, isn't that
right,
partner?
Lou Costello: Partner! Now that I'm losing money, I'm a
partner! Look, will you give me
a
dollar? I'll settle … give me a half a buck.
Bud Abbott: Now wait a minute! Wait a minute, just a second.
Just a minute, now
where
was I?
Lou Costello: You just had a toehold on my 69 dollars.
Bud Abbott: Oh yes, yes. a half a day on Saturdays, 52 Saturdays
in a year, one half
of
52 is 26, so you will deduct 26 from 69, leaving you the sum
of 43
dollars.
Lou Costello: Sum of?
Bud Abbott: Yes, sum of.
Lou Costello: If I get some of it, I'll be lucky! Look,
Abbott, give me a quarter, will you
let
me have a quarter? Give me 20 cents.
Bud Abbott: Well, now wait a minute.
Lou Costello: I'm going out of here with something!
Bud Abbott: Now wait a minute, just a minute. There's still
a balance of 43 dollars. But!
Lou Costello: Stop 'butting'! You're getting my goat!
Bud Abbott: But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you?
Lou Costello: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bud Abbott: That's 14 days. Take 14 from 43 dollars, leaving
you the exact sum of 29
dollars.
Lou Costello: Look, Abbott, will you give me a dime? Is
that asking too much? Will
you
give me anything?
Bud Abbott: Well, I'd give you the 29 dollars,
Both: but …
Lou Costello: I know it as good as you do!
Bud Abbott: How much time did you take off for lunch?
Lou Costello: Oh, this is going to run into money! I took
off one hour a day.
Bud Abbott: Very well, 365 hours is equal to 15 days, I
take it.
Lou Costello: You might as well take it, you've taken everything
else! Go ahead!
Both: 15 from 29 leaves 14, but …
Lou Costello: Now I know it better than you do! Look, Abbott,
will you give me
something?
Will you give me a nickel?
Bud Abbott: What do you mean?
Lou Costello: Give me four pennies!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean give you four pennies?
Lou Costello: Look, can you spare a rat biscuit? Maybe you
got a spare mothball?
Bud Abbott: A mothball?
Lou Costello: Look, is it asking … give me a sardine, go
ahead, Mrs. Niles is going to
have
me in the can anyway!
Bud Abbott: Just a minute, let's straighten this thing out.
There are 13 holidays in a
year
you which you didn't work, and as you only have 14 dollars
coming
to you, we deduct the 13 from the fourteen, leaving you the
exact
sum of 1 dollar. Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck
to
you.
Lou Costello: Nice work, Abbott. I need money for a lawyer
because Mrs. Niles is
going
to throw me in jail, and you're giving me only a dollar.
Bud Abbott: Let's have no more words about it!
Lou Costello: One measly dollar! After I worked and slaved
for you for a whole year!
Bud Abbott: I always pay my obligations - here's your dollar.
Lou Costello: I wouldn't mind, Abbott, I wouldn't care if
it was just for me alone, I need
more
than a dollar. I got another mouth to feed.
Bud Abbott: Now listen, your troubles are not my … wait
a minute. You what?
Lou Costello: I have another mouth to feed.
Bud Abbott: Another mouth to feed? You never told me that.
Lou Costello: I know it.
Bud Abbott: Why, you've been with me all this time, Costello,
and now you tell me you
have
another mouth to feed? Why didn't you tell me that before?
Lou Costello: I was ashamed.
Bud Abbott: Oh, you fortunate fellow, that's nothing to
be ashamed of. I was only
kidding
about the other money. Here, here's your 365 dollars.
And
to show you that my heart's in the right place, here's 50 dollars
of
my own. You should be so happy! What is it, a boy or a girl?
Lou Costello: A goldfish!
Bud Abbott: Get out of here! |
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