by Charles W. Anson and Harold Arpthorp (1927) The great day dawned at last sir, so I tidied up the hearth, I kissed our pet canary and I filled its little bath. I took down from the parlour wall the motto 'Bless our Home', And in it wrapped my toothbrush, my pyjamas and a comb. The wife is soundly sleeping, so outside the bedroom door I left for her a saucerful of milk upon the floor. I shook the front-door mat sir, and I wound the "eight-day" up- Then took a third return sir, to do battle for the Cup. The whole town saw us off sir, ev'ryone was there that day, If anyone was absent, well, they must have stayed away And when we got to London the whole team embraced the guard, A gentle undertaker kindly gave us each his card. At last we reached the stadium! I still can hear the roars That greeted my appearance in a breastplate and plusfours. My rival spun the coin sir, and the umpire shouted "Wide!" I tried a mashie shot sir, and I chose the Surrey side. The game began at once sir, as we had to wait until The referee was ready, he was drawing up his will. And when he blew his whistle, all the p'lice for miles around, Made for the various exits and went home by Underground. We won the first three sets sir, but I'm sorry to relate We'd six men out at half-time and No Trumps upon the slate. Our fellows passed like clockwork, they had passed exams at school, And every time they passed I put a penny in the pool. Their forwards got the ball sir, and our fellows got the hump, But every man among them came down at the water-jump. I sprang into the saddle and I freely used the whip, And then oh glorious sound sir, came a long and loud "Hip! Hip!" The crowd rose as one man sir, as right through their ranks I broke, And made straight for their goal sir, with my famous trudgeon stroke. I broke the halfmile record sir, and I might be going yet If I had not miscued sir, and nosedived into the net. They gave me a free kick sir, and I kicked both hard and true, The ball went through a glasshouse in the Gardens down at Kew. A boy scout brought the ball back, his good deed nobly done, And told the gladsome tidings, how I had holed in one. And then the King sent for me, proudest moment of the day!- But, as I stood before him, ah! he faded right away! My wife stood in his place sir, in her hand she held a cup And saucer and she said these words - "It's six o'clock... Get up!
The end