THE GARDENER'S STORY
by E.A. Searson and Herbert Townsend Performed by Bransby Williams A small lemon please, thank you kindly. Nothing in it?... no thank you, not me. I'm a tote, though I wasn't, not always. I used to drink frequent and free. I don't say it boastful, that's silly, But I did use to do the job brown. And when I at last gave up the tiddley, There was more than one pub that shut down My job? I'm a Gardener when working, I'm resting just now, so to speak, But if the missus ain't better by Monday, Someone must do something next week. I took a dislike to the Gardening Thro' a 'orrid experience I 'ad Which came as a shock to the system And was very near driving me mad. I'd been taking my lotion too freely Yes, matters were getting quite warm. And as I'd run thro' the whole of my ready, I made up my mind to reform. So I drank what was left in the bottle And the gentleman's garden I seeks, Where my odd job of digging and 'oeing 'Ad been waiting for three or four weeks. I'd been digging for several minutes, And was taking a rest for a term. When casting my eyes on the ground, sir I suddenly spotted a worm. I've seen a few worms sir, while gardening And digging and 'oeing the beds But this one it fair took the biscuit, And I'm blowed if it hadn't two 'eads. If I catch that I thought it's a fortune 'E'd fetch goodness knows what at a sale So I let go the fork I was 'olding And made a quick grab at his tail. As I grasped it, it seemed to grow bigger It was thick as my fore-arm I found. Then before I 'ad time for much thinking The worm went 'eads first in the ground. I clung like grim death to the reptile, With my fingers I took a firm 'old, But its strength, it was simply enormous, It pulled me right down in the mould. But I wouldn't let go, that's my spirit, I 'eld on for all as I was worth So we started to go down together Right into the bowels of the earth. There were many more worms I kept seeing All colours, blue, yellow and pink. Yes, talk about back to the land sir, It was all right for me, I don't think. And the worst of it was that the climate As our way we continue to force Got warmer and warmer and warmer As it naturally would do of course. We got lower and still it got 'otter In my fright I thought suddenly well, By the temperature and the direction We're going to, there I couldn't tell I'd 'ave given my 'and to get back sir, As I thought of my 'ome with a tear I was almost releasing my 'old sir, When I struck on a brilliant idea. For a saying I'd many times 'eard of, In my brain began sudden to burn A true and a simple old proverb, If you tread on a worm it'll turn. And at once I resolved I'd tread on 'im, And I prayed that my nerve mightn't fail, It worn't easy to tread on 'im gov'ner, And me 'anging on to 'is tail Still I swung my feet over my shoulders, While I still kept a grip on 'is nibs, And I poised my 'ob-nails for a moment Then dropped 'em bang on to 'is ribs. And the trick worked as right as a trivet 'E suddenly slackened 'is pace, And to my great relief, the next minute Completely went right about face. And 'e made for the surface like lightning Through the same path we'd made the descent And the sweat, it poured off me like rain, sir, At the terrible rate that we went. I shrieked in my terror, I did, sir, Though of sense I was nearly bereft, And I soon recognised the direction We made straight for the garden we'd left. We burst thro' the old garden border Made a blooming great 'ole in the 'edge, Smash'd the cucumber frame all to pieces, And the same evening... I signed the pledge.
The end