by Stephen Ogier It were in the age of Nero, That Roman Emperor chap, That the Roman Colosseum Got into quite a flap. They'd imported lots of lions, you see, And put 'em in a cage Which quite annoyed the lions Till they began to rage. In fact, they got so angry They ate the lion keeper; They even ate 'is mobile phone And 'is text message beeper. When Nero 'eard what 'ad 'appened 'E said, "This just won't do. Lions can't go eating keepers, Not even in a zoo". So 'e called up 'is advisers And 'e said they 'ad to meet To discuss the knotty problem Of what lions 'ad to eat. On openin' the meetin' Nero retold the tale Of 'ow the lions ate the keeper 'Cause they thought they were in jail. And 'e said the lions were 'ungry And needed a big meal, Which under other circumstance Were much 'ow 'e would feel. So they thought and thought for ages Till one bloke gave a shout And said, "Well, we've got lots of Christians Wot ain't much good for nowt". And then 'e added wryly That they could make it a sport By only letting lions eat The Christians they 'ad caught. And so it were decided That on Sunday afternoons There'd be Lions versus Christians Interspersed with martial tunes. And the people came to see it And they though it were quite grand To watch the lions eat the Christians And to listen to the band. In this manner it continued And it might continue still If the score weren't so predictable: Lions 10 and Christians 0.
The end