by Don Jones Narrator: Harken awhile and I'll tell ye a tale Of the sea and a pirate bold. Of lust and greed and buxom girls And the search for buried gold. Our story begins at a lonely Inn It was called the Gay Buccaneer At the front of the Inn it was normal But there were queer goings on at the rear. Let's meet the villain of this piece A man with a wooden leg. His Father was some soldiers His Mother's name was Peg. (The curtains open on a scene, a tavern somewhere near the salty sea. Silver, an old sea dog has a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. He has his one good eye on the serving wench.) Silver: What's your name my pretty one? Wench: It's Bridget Sir! Or was! But the sailors call me bridge Because I come across! Silver: Let's you and me go out for a sail You're a beauty, shiver me timbers! Wench: No Fear! You took my sister out And all she got was splinters! Silver: Well how about a tankard of ale? I could down one as quick as a wink. Wench: (Pours drink) Certainly Captain, just say when. Silver: Right after I've finished that drink. Silver: But tell me wench, I need to get My hands on a lad called Jim. Wench: He's cleaning out the septic tank So I wouldn't go too near him. (Wench exits. Enter Jim) Jim: Hello! I'm Jim the cleaning lad I've just been doing the drain. (Points at parrot on Silvers shoulder) What's that upon your shoulder? Silver: (Brushing his shoulder) Oh Dear! Has he done it again? Silver: Would you like to be a sailor lad? And know a sailors lot? Would you like to go to sea? Jim: Of course I would! See what? Silver: (Aside) Now how am I going to get this lad Aboard my pirate lugger? Though it shouldn't be too difficult He's such a stupid bugger. Silver: (To Jim) Cleaning out a septic tank Isn't the life for you! The life of a sailor is more your style Sailing the ocean blue. Silver: Just think of getting the wind in your face As the waters around you bob. Jim: There's nothing exciting about that stuff I get all that in this job. Silver: Avast! Ahoy! You don't understand, I need as first rate mate! We're going on a treasure hunt! For gold and pieces of eight. Jim: Oh my! This is really exciting, I can't wait to get under way Which is your ship, come on show me Is it that one out in the bay? Silver: (Points off stage) That's my ship, That one out there! But we need some men to rig it. Jim: Is it a sloop or a warship? Do we set sail now? Silver: No! Frigate Silver: Avast! Ahoy! Now Jim my lad I like the cut of your jib. And so I'll come right out with it! I'll not tell you a fib! Silver: (Pointing to Jim's chest) That tattoo upon your chest Will lead us to untold riches. I suppose that's whet your appetite? Jim: No! I've wet me britches. Silver: You'll have to keep it a secret Keep it under your lid. We don't want that information To get out to Captain Kidd. Jim: Not Captain Kidd the lady pirate? Oh dear! Well well I'm blessed! Silver: That's her, they call her Captain Kidd 'Cos she's got a sunken chest. (They both exit. Enter Captain Kidd and her mate) Kidd: So that's his game the crafty salt He's after buried treasure. We'll get this Jim and strip him down. In fact it'll be a pleasure. Kidd: A red hot poker in font of his eyes That always makes them ill. I like that one, it always works, I call it my eye level grill! Mate: But Captain! What if he doesn't comply? He might be stubborn or dim. If he puts up a stiff resistance, Will you let me handle him? (Kidd exits. Enter Jim, sees The Mate... he fancies her!) Jim: Hello! You ain't half a lovely girl I really fancies you. Mate: Why not join our pirate band? Then you could mess with the crew. Jim: Oh No! I cannot leave this place I've got a job to do. The landlord wants the gents flushed out! He wants a new bloo loo! Mate: I'll give you a hand with the cleaning, Come on now let's make haste! Jim: Well the first thing to do in a job like this, Is to strip right down to your waist. Mate: I don't think that's a good idea I haven't the right credentials. Jim: To do this work you've got to strip Down to the bare essentials. Mate: I'm not baring my essentials! No! I'm not having that one. Jim: But you won't have to take everything off. I'll let you keep your hat on! Kidd: Well you are a saucy devil! Don't tease us any more so. I know you've got a treasure map Tattooed upon your torso. Mate: Yes come along, now don't be shy Lift your shirt up quick! (Both attempt to get Jim's shirt off) (Mate say's 'Oh!' puts her finger to her mouth as if it has been cut) Kidd: What happened? Did you cut yourself? Mate: No! It was only a little prick! (Enter Silver) Silver: Unhand that lad! Avast ahoy! Or feel the taste of me cutlass! Jim: Hey! Watch out where you're waving that thing, I don't want to end up nut-less! Kidd: Now listen here you one-legged tar! Don't say another word. I've got the map and I've done to you What somebody did to your bird! (Silver grabs Jim's arm, Kidd has the other... they pull) Silver: Oh no you don't! That map is mine! You're trying to pull a fiddle. Jim: "Ere steady on, you'll pull me in half! Mate: Oo! Can I have the bit in the middle? (There is a lot of pushing and pulling Jim breaks free) Jim: Now just a minute, stop messing about. Oh! You ain't half making a fuss. We should all get together, each giving support Just like a mutual truss! Silver: I think he's right, we won't get anywhere If we don't all stick together. It wouldn't do us no good to split him in half. Jim: And I'm at the end of my tether. Kidd: Well come on, let's look at the map It'll give us a course to steer. (Kidd starts running her finger around Jim's body.) Three degrees east, four degrees south And we should find the treasure... (Her fingers stray below the belt) Jim: Here!! Silver: Well come on! What are we waiting for? I can't wait to hear that gold jingle. Jim: Cor this is fun! I'm raring to go! Oh! I'll have to go for a tinkle! (All mutter 'So do I, me too etc...) Narrator: And so they set sail on a journey Full of danger and dread. Everyone stayed alert and awake, "Cos the ship only had one bed. For fourteen days they sailed away. How the tropical sun did burn Everyone thought their end was up And didn't know which way to turn. (Sounds of a storm) Then one night a storm blew up. High seas and terrible gales. Everyone knew what had to be done As they all bent over the rails (Sounds of throwing up etc...) Then the ship hit a reef and started to sink. Everyone feared the worst. Then Captain Silver in typical style Shouted women and Captains first. In the water Captain Kidd floundered It was clear she was in distress. Kidd: Help me! Help me! Drop me a line! Jim: Okay! Tell me, what's your address? (The storm abates all is calm) Narrator next morning we find a sorry sight! Only two have survived. Captain Kidd and her mate are lost Oh well! I'm not really surprised! (Silver and Jim enter) Silver: This is another fine mess you've got me in, We're in it good and proper. Jim: You told me to splice the main brace! Silver: Yes! But not with a blooming chopper! Silver: And now we are stuck on this desert isle A couple of shipwrecked tars. Jim: Well for goodness sake do something, Don't just sit on your ahhh!! (Sound of native drums) Jim: Ah! What's that drumming noise I hear? What on earth can it be? (Enter two scantily clad native girls) The natives are revolting! Silver: They look pretty good to me! Silver: Now don't you worry, leave this to me, I will use sign language. (Silver moves hands about) Jim: I don't think you're getting through to them, It looks like you're eating a sandwich. Silver: I think I'm getting the hang of this She'll understand directly. Girl 1: White man speak with fork-ed tongue Jim: I hope I heard her correctly. Girl 1: This is the island of Aphrodisia Inhabited only by women. We haven't seen a man for years. Girl 2: By the way, do you like nude swimming? Jim: Do you mean to say there isn't one man On this island neath the sun? Girl 2: You're the first we've seen for almost ten years. Silver: I think this is going to be fun! Girl 1: Only girl babies are born here, No matter how we try. Girl 2: The last man died ten years ago. Silver: I reckon I can guess why! Girl 1: But now you are here we can start again And then we'll all be mothers. Girl 2: You will be my spouse for a day But I'll share you with the others. Silver: Now just a minute, you'll share us? You mean there are more than two? Girl 1: Oh Yes! There's over a thousand girls And they will all marry you. Girl 2: You marry a girl, then divorce her And marry another next day. Jim: you mean we have to marry you all? Isn't there some other way?? Girl 1: It really is quite simple you know, It's share and share alike. Jim: I hope you all live close at hand Or else I shall need a bike. Silver: I suppose you know what we're in for? It'll take you all your life. Day after day the same old grind. Every day with a different wife. Silver: You'll change her again for another And so on and so on and so on. Jim: Oo-er! I see you meaning. In a month it'll need sewing on! Silver: Just think if we'd found that treasure, We'd never have worked again. We'd be living the life of Riley. And we'd have been rich men. Jim: I see what you mean Cap'n Silver How badly we've been dealt. We'll call this Island The Factory Both: It's going to be one endless belt! Narrator: And so this story is ended But there's a moral to this tale. We all are seeking treasure, As through this life we sail All that glitters is not gold! I'm sure you've heard that quote. And friends I'm sure you will agree We're all of us in the same boat.
The end