by Ray Lawrence This is the tale of Lucy Luckett A country milk-maid with a bucket Who, tired of the morning squeeze Of milking cows and churning cheese, Set out for London's fame untold Where laying on the streets was GOLD. Now Lucy was a real go-getter She'd set her heart on the theatre. She saw her name up there in lights So went auditioning - in tights - Casting off her inhibitions To try exciting new positions. She trod the boards in Thespian pose For wealthy Empresarios She spouted Shakespeare with a will For Grade and Cecil B De Mille And bravely suffered critics' grouches Between Directors' casting couches. But alas the London Stage Did not find Lucy all the rage. And seeing that her dreams were dead Sadly, Lucy homeward fled, There to seek her notoriety With the local Op. Society. Auditions held, a tiny part They gave to Lucy as a start And seizing this, her greatest chance, She set herself to sing and dance To show she was the greatest star Who ever sang in Operah! BUT... Two days before the opening night The show was struck by tragic plight There swept - unstopped by Doc or Medic - A German measles epidemic. The players ALL - except but one By spot and flush were overcome. The one it missed was Lucy Luckett - Somehow she had the luck to duck it. Now she must choose - to stop? Postpone? Or do the show all on her own - But Lucy's not our girl for nothing - She had a really First Class Stuffing. When the opening night arrived Clever Lucy she contrived To change her costumes extra fast To fit the people in the cast. Managing, by trick and stealth To play all fourteen parts herself. FIRST she had to take the lead A country maid of lesser breed And then the DASTARD of a Squire Who did her down amongst the briar - Twelve players more she must portray To win the game and save the day. She also had to sing TOP NOTES From multitudes of different throats - Tenor, bass then baritone - Soprano - yes! All on her own, Changing clothes in mid refrain From pants to knickers - back again - Portraying first the country gent Next a Damsel - very "quent" - Then on to play the village pastor Followed by the old schoolmaster. She started well As a country girl But changing things got sticky She caught her tie In the Squire's fly And zippered off his dicky! Feeling meek With blushing cheek She tried to make amends She went to kiss herself - and missed - And knotted up her ends! Before she knew it She'd sung a duet Danced in gay romance Then she tried To stand beside Herself - and split her pants! Now Lucy's tragic end drew nigh She learned the truth, could not deny Fourteen into one just will not go Though Lucy rushed both to and fro Up and down and hither, thither Never a stumble never a dither Faster, faster, faster yet Did Lucy's stage gyrations get Until, at last, she went so fast She played at once the COMPLETE CAST! Fourteen people within one skin Trying to get out and trying to get in Until - most tragic of all things - She left the stage by BOTH the wings! - Her exit, thus, meant curtains, Quits Poor Lucy'd pulled herself to BITS! The moral of this tale, dear folk Is - use restraint - don't go for broke - And those of you with Thespian bent Beware the way poor Lucy went. Unless, of course, it's in your hearts To want to only play BIT PARTS!
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