by Tom Gaunt (2007) Of all the earthly creatures that I've heard of and seen In the desert or the jungle and places that I've been There are tarantulas and scorpions and other things that make you dead, But nothing can compare to that spider in the shed. It will lurk in unseen places and catch you by surprise, And whatever it's feeding on it's certainly not the flies, It's big and fat and ugly, a creature to be feared. And while I'm on the subject, next door's cat has disappeared. Now I'm not afraid of insects, they're insignificant and small, Butterflies and moths don't worry me at all. But when I'm in the garden, I open that door with dread In case I should encounter, that spider in the shed. I've got garden tools and gadgets - lost and can't be found, I'm sure that big fat spider has moved the things around. The grass is getting longer and grows longer by the hour, Because that ugly spider, has built a web across the mower. So I guess I'll leave the garden to grow wild and unkempt, To enter that creature's lair, I don't think I will attempt. I will leave the eight-legged monster to its territory alone And just as a precaution, I'll barricade my home I'll close all the doors and windows, that spider to avoid And seal up every entrance, now this may seem paranoid, Well all I want to do is to be the last to laugh, And - wait a minute - what is this? - a spider - in the bath!
The end