by Peter Wyllie 2003 My wife said, 'It's time you went shopping Our food store is getting quite low. And since I am busy this morning, And you're doing nowt, you can go!' She wrote me a list of essentials Just as they occurred to her mind So I would be sure to remember Those items that I had to find. But when I arrived at the car park It seemed like a circus parade! With clowns and a band who were wearing Smart uniforms covered in braid! The reason for all this excitement I found, as I walked to the door, Was the launch of their "Satellite Trolley" Which guides shoppers all round the store. "All you have to do" said the lady, "Is tell it the items you need And then it will take you to find them You'll find that it's simple indeed". So I told it the things that I wanted The cauliflower, carrots and greens Eggs, sausages, pasta and Marmite; Then tins of tomatoes and beans. When all of my items were entered The panel lights started to glow And after a moment of buzzing The screen displayed "All systems go!" The trolley set off like a rocket With me clinging on at the back Just like a Frank Spencer disaster Or a scud missile on the attack! We just missed an elderly lady (Who had to sit down with the shock!) As it sped down the aisles, I noticed It showed "45" on the clock! The trolley was simply demented It developed a mind of its own And I shut my eyes and lamented This trip to the shop all alone! Like a dervish it swept on regardless As the satellite up in the sky Continued to signal and guide it To those things I wanted to buy. Alas, when it found what I needed, There was no way of making it stop And the trolley just swept on regardless On it's journey, at speed, round the shop. This madness looked set to continue As customers dived out the way And I, though not very religious, Now found myself starting to pray! The security staff started to panic And tried to get hold of my shirt But the trolley evaded their clutches. And the tannoy gave out "Red Alert" The police were called out from their station; They arrived with their lights flashing blue. The SAS dropped from a chopper (It was secret, so nobody knew!) There were smoke bombs and tear gas aplenty That rose up in the air like a cloud. My eardrums were hurting and bursting The noise was so terribly loud! At last, in a trice it was over The Trolley lay silent and dead; While I was thrown up in a whirlwind Ending up with my face in the bread! The company were quite nice about it They said I should get a reward So they gave double points as a bonus (The most, they said, they could afford) But as I picked up all my shopping To pay for it, round at the till I have to say that I was shaking And feeling decidedly ill! So though the technology's marv'lous, (Controlled by a satellite brain) I must tell you that, having once tried it, I will not dare use it again!
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