Old Adam, as you know, existed years ago
And saw things, by the way, that we don't see today
But I'll give you a list of things that Adam missed
For instance there's the lady that you meet at a matinee
You're behind and she's in front,
Wearing a hat as large as a punt
You can't see and you can't make out
What the play is all about
She turns round and by and by,
Shoots her hat-pin in your eye
You say, 'Dash' and she says, 'Sir'
Then you're fired out by the manager
'Cos you've insulted Madam.
Adam missed her, wise man, Adam.

When Adam lived with Eve, I verily believe
The pants she didn't wear - 'cos Adam had none there
But now the feminine has over stepped the line
She tries to look the cross between a circus and a bear
See the new woman up-to-date,
Scorching along at a fearful rate
Scaring the people off the flags,
Wearing a pair of 'Sago Bags'
By and by when the breezes blow
There's a 'rise in calico'
Barring that, and the shape of the knees,
Darned if you can tell is she's
A Mister or a Madam!
Adam missed her - good judge, Adam!

Another modern whim that never troubled him
Was serving now and then, with other jurymen
Your work you must foresake, and let your pockets ache
And if you don't turn up, you must the consequences take
There inside the box they're packed,
Grumbling at the Jury Act
Thinking the pris'ners got no sense,
Cussing the legal arguments
When the judge wakes up, I guess
He knows nothing and they know less
Out they go - those learned men
And return a verdict then
Exactly as he bade 'em -
Adam missed that - wide man, Adam!

The finest place on earth to get you money's worth
Is good old London Town - for it's always upside down
Along the busiest roads there's bricks and mud in loads
And bang through a ditch of lime and pitch you've got to swim or drown
City men who make a call
Sometimes don't get home at all
They got lost in mud and fogs,
Or rescued by St Bernard Dogs
Over the houses out of range
There's a bridge from the Bank to the Royal Exchange
And a corps of Guides with an Aerial bus
Who dodge the new Vesuvius
Of garbage and macadam
Adam missed that - lucky dog, Adam!

When the Summer months arrive, you quit your London hive
And seek an early train to reach the bounding main
And when that spot you reach - you snooze upon the beach
Until the seaside warriors come
To keep the game alive
First a band of Germans come,
Punch an old dyspeptic drum
Fifteen kids with 'Comic Cuts'
A man with a bag of cast iron nuts
Pure 'Milk O' from the nearest pump,
Hokey pokey - a penny a lump
And then a Band of Hope appears,
Who bung up both you eyes and ears
With shingle and macadam.
Adam missed that - sly dog, Adam!
Performed by R.G. Knowles (1858-1919)
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