As Milton says in his Paradise Lost
It's a sad heart that never looks cheerful
And a miserable face acts on me like a frost
And I do hate a voice that is tearful
Now Jones is that way, his expression's absurd
When I met him last week, he said, 'George, have you heard?'
I said, 'Have I heard what? He said,
'Why, about Jim, on Tuesday, yes, at his flat
And there was Bill Brown with his wife, kissing him
So Jim shot him dead on the mat.'

Refrain: I said, 'Good, that's the stuff.' He said, 'Ay, that's enough.'
I said, 'Pardon my unseemly jest.
But on Monday, you see, she had me round to tea
So maybe it was all for the best.'

[Spoken - What a woman, ah, it's women like her that make men
like me like women like her. However...]

As a fighter I think I have gained some renown
I've a right that's a terrible smasher
And one fine game in a fight up in town
With Joe Bonzo the Birmingham Basher
Well, the public all thought it was quite plain to see
I felt flattered to think they'd laid long odds on me
In the first round I am sorry to say I was floored
And finished quite weak on my feet
The next one I finished in bed in the ward
In a hospital in our next street

Refrain: My right arm was sprained, and I ached and I pained
And my spread-eagle nose I caressed
But as I'd backed Joe for a thousand or so
Maybe it was all for the best.

We entered this war that all conflict might cease
And we spent our last penny to do it
And we sang of the wonderful glorious peace
And we glued our lines fixedly through it
Well if this is the peace we've all been praying for
All I can say is, I'd sooner have war
Our gold chest is empty and France says the same
Her gold chest she says is quite bare
But she's marching on with her proud lofty aim
Though some don't agree with her there

Refrain: She's entered the Ruhr that right may endure
For the freedom she says she loves best
Well, perhaps that is so, but still I don't know
Maybe 'tis all for the chest.

Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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