I’m a very handy man
To save a bit ‘oof’s my plan
One day last week I said to my wife
Our yard wants a wash upon my life
So I’ll go and do the job
And I did so help me bob
Made a pail of whitewash, set to work
And the old girl helped me like a Turk.

Chorus: Slap-dab! Slap-dab! Up and down the brickwork
Slap-dab! All daylong
In and out the corners
Round the Johnny Horners
We were a pair of fair clean goners
Slap-dab! Slap with the whitewash brush
Talk about a fancy ball
But I put more whitewash on the old woman
Than I did upon the garden wall.

The missus, I must now confess
She put me in her old nightdress
Her nightcap, too, she made me wear
She was dressed like me, so we looked a pair
She held up the pail so high
And I made that whitewash fly
Every now and then I heard a squall
I was taking the old girl’s face for the wall.


Feeling very dry just here
We went to get a drop of beer
And the kids from the house next door, I think
Attracted by the whitewash, came and had a drink
There’s got to be an inquest now
And I am in a dreadful row
I have done with economical schemes
For every night in all my dreams.

Written & composed by Fred Murray & Fred Leigh
Performed by Frank Seeley (d. 1913)
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