I did a silly thing some time ago
I jumped off a tram while in motion
The cab-horse behind me gave me a hard kick
I sat down on what, I've no notion
When I came too a doctor was feeling my pulse
In the hospital ward I was staying
The doctor and nurse were discussing my case
You'll not sit down for months, they were saying

Chorus: And I thought to myself, "This is nice
Now what am I going to do?"
The nurse said, "Poor fellow, he seems full of pluck
The horse kicked him hard. You can see where it struck
All his life he'll be marked with a horse-shoe for luck"
I said, "Shall I? And very nice too."

Watching the trains from the platforms depart
For me has a great fascination
I've studied the travellers rushing about
To guess each one's destination
I was standing on Waterloo platform one day
A lady I thought such a treasure
Although quite a stranger she rushed up to me
And said, "Horace, this is such a pleasure."

Chorus: And I thought to myself, "This is nice
Now what am I going to do?"
The lady said, "Kiss me" I did, bet your life
A fellow rushed up. I thought now they'll be strife
He said, "Are you aware, Sir, that this lady is my wife?"
I said, "Is she, and very nice too."

Now young Lord de Gasha, a dear friend of mine
Has only just recently wed
His wife, truth to tell, is a duck of a gel
In the chorus he found her, 'tis said
I was staying with him at his sea-side abode
We wandered along by the waves
When there on the beach from a bathing machine
A sweet girl came out to bathe.

Chorus: "Why there goes the wifey" said he
That beautiful girl dressed in blue
And for giving advice you've a jolly fine knack
I would just like to act on your good advice, Jack
Would you give her a yacht?" "No, I'd give her a smack"
He said, "Would you?... and very nice too."
Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
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