Now, a man who has got a good voice
A good singing voice like my own
In all kinds of company he's certain to shine
That is if he trains it the way I train mine
When I was engaged once in Opera
With Caruso the great tenor king
The audience didn't care much for his voice
Then I stood before them to sing.

Chorus: And as soon as they heard my voice
The audience seemed quite overcome
A lady who'd paid ten and six for a stall
Immediately started to run up the wall
My voice somehow seemed to affect them
For while some of them seemed to rejoice
One gentleman threw his wife into the pit
As soon as he heard my voice.

There's a widow lives next door to me
And I'm madly in love with her, too
Whenever we passed, she was as proud as could be
Used to turn up her nose when we met, her and me.
She was washing some clothes in her yard once
And I thought something desparate I'd do
So I popped my head over her yard-wall and sang
'Three cheers for the red, white and blue.'

Chorus: And as soon as she heard my voice
She threw the blue-bag at the cat
She got so agitated did poor Mrs Green
She pushed one of her kids through the wringing machine
So I started to sing her a love song
And that seemed to make her rejoice
For she pushed the tub over and swallowed the soap
As soon as she heard my voice.

If there's one man I hate on this earth
It's our landlord who calls for the rent
I pay when I've got it, but he's very hot
He wants it off me if I've got it or not
Last Monday he called round as usual
And as usual I shouted out, 'No'
And I started to warble an opera I knew
When he told me I'd have to go.

Chorus: And as soon as he heard my voice
He seemed quite a different man
His knees knocked together, he fainted away
His face went all white and his hair went all grey
Then I sang him a lovely cadenza
And to show how it made him rejoice
He lowered my rent from two shillings to three
As soon as he heard my voice.

Did you ever go hunting for bears?
I hunted for bears in a wood
A man name of Wood owned the wood in the wood
And he lent me the wood as I knew the Wood would
A big bear came up looking vicious
And I thought of my friend Buffalo Bill
Who said, 'When you meet a wild beast you must sing,'
So I struck up 'The Maid of the Mill'.

Chorus: And as soon as he heard my voice
He showed me how bears do the 'splits'
He started to hug me as tight as he could
And waltzed me all over old Mister Wood's wood
He was vexed till I sang him my top note
Then he seemd to change round and rejoice
He turned eight somersaults and came down on his head
As soon as he heard my voice.
Written and composed by Harry Castling - 1921
Performed by Harry Weldon (1881-1930)
Performed by Harry Welchman (1886-1966)
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