Hush! What do you think? I'm as scared as a mouse
The people say we've got a ghost in the house
I made up my mind I would settle that ghost
So armed with a flat-iron, I took up my post

Chorus: At a minute to seven last night
I had a most terrible shock
At a minute to seven last night
It was close upon seven o' clock

I once bought a horse and it did make me grin
He was a fine horse, but he looked a bit thin
I said to the horse-dealer, 'Send him tonight
Round to my house' And he answered, 'Alright'

Chorus: But what if there's nobody in?
To bring it back would be a bore'
He said, 'What if there's nobody in?'
I said, 'Push it under the door'

I once went to law with the man next to me
I was bitten one day by his dog, don't you see
He took a piece out of me, where I can't say
The Judge looked at me in a kind-hearted way

Chorus: And said, 'Has this dog bit you before?'
He really was thoughtful and kind
He said, 'Has the dog bit you before?'
I said, 'No Sir, he's bit me behind'

The wife had some lobster for supper last night
And dreamt about harems and Turkish delight
Said she, 'It was horrible!' there on her knee
Were six girls, who took her the Sultan to be.

Chorus: And they tickled her here and then there
Said she, 'I was horrified quite'
They tickled her here and then there
I'm having some lobster tonight.

A ticket inspector I once used to be
Upon the South Eastern, you may have seen me
One day a young lady said, 'I'm full of woe
I've swallowed my ticket though how I don't know.

Chorus: I said, 'I can't help that, my dear
I've got to attend to my 'biz'
I said, 'I can't help that, my dear
I must punch it wherever it is.

When Adam met Eve it is rumoured that she
Had on her new whitsuntide clothes, so had he
'Have we met before?' to the maiden he cried
Said she, 'Not till now sir, but still' she replied,

Chorus: 'We'll see more of each other, I hope'
As to twinkle her eye she began
'We'll see more of each other, I hope'
Said he, 'I don't see how we can.'

Once as a postman I tried for a berth
The Postmaster said, 'Well, let's see what you're worth.'
I answered his questions, well, all except one
Which was, 'How far is it from the earth to the sun?'

Chorus: How far from the earth to the sun!
I fainted and fell to the ground
How far from the earth to the sun!
I said, 'Put someone else on that round.'

Last Christmas Eve, at a Ball I went to
I was dancing a waltz, and had nearly got through
When a fellow came up with a long solemn face
Said he, 'Come away, sir, from this awful place.

Chorus: 'To the devil you're dancing, my boy
This dancing is life's greatest curse
To the devil you're dancing, my boy.'
I said, 'Never mind, I can reverse.'
Written and composed by Worton David & Sam Mayo
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
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