For a long time now I've been a married man, and regularly all my life
I've gone straight home when I've been paid, and given up the money to the wife
Then if I have had a wish for half a pint of beer, or bacca, as the case might be
I've asked for a penny, and my dear Belinda's generously given it to me
But a week or two ago I said, 'I must go and get a hair-cut dear
So give me some money, pet, if you please.' But she replied, 'No fear.
You shan't spend a penny at the barber's any more, not while i've got good sense
From this day forth I'll cut your hair, and save that great expense.'

Chorus: When she got upon the job she must have been a bit hi-ti
For she gave me a wink that made me think
I'd better bid the world good-bye
I was in a funk - couldn't do a bunk, dared not move or talk
While my Belinda cut my hair with the carving knife and fork.

I was just about to tell her she was wrong, and show her what she ought to do
She interrupted, 'Hold your tongue! or I shall do an injury to you.'
She forgot to put the pinafore round my neck - she didn't know the barber's knack
And I felt so happy when the lumps of hair dropped down my chest and back
I could feel the perspiration trickling down into my socks and boots
When she got a little bit wild, and tore out handfuls by the roots
I thought every minute was about to be my last, and shouted, 'Kingdom Come.'
When by mistake she jagged the fork into my cranium.


When Belinda saw what she had been and done she said, 'You're in pain, no doubt.'
I answered, 'Darling, I'm afraid my brain is running gradually out.'
Then she hurried for the doctor, presently he came,
The damage he declared was small
'The fork can't be sticking in your brain,' he said, 'You have no brain at all.'
I was comforted a lot as you may guess, but the doctor took away my breath
When he said, 'You must never take out that fork, or you will bleed to death.'
So, if you would like to see a curiosity, this chance, my friends, don't miss
Through my wife's barber-ous treatment I must go about like this

Removes hat to show fork buried in head
Written and composed by F. W. Leigh - 1895
Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
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