I'm Bert, perhaps you have heard of me,
Bert, you've had word of me
Jogging along, hearty and strong
Living on plates of fresh air
I dress up in fashion and when I'm feeling depressed
I shave from my cuff, all the whiskers and fluff
Stick my hat on and toddle up West.

I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten thirty
And saunter along like a toff
I walk down the strand with my gloves on my hand
Then I walk down again with them off
I'm all airs and graces, correct easy paces
So long without food I forgot where my face is
I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt
My people are well off you know
Nearly everyone knows me from Smith to Lord Rosebury
I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.
I stroll with Lord Hurlington
Roll in the Burlington
Call for champagne, walk out again,
Come back and borrow the ink
I live most expensive, like Tom Lipton I'm in the swim
He's got so much ‘oof that he sleeps on the roof
And I live in the room over him.

I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten-thirty
Then saunter along Temple Bar
As round there I skip, I keep shouting 'Pip. Pip'
And the darned fools think I'm a car
At Rothchilds I swank it, my body I plank it
On his front door step with ‘The Mail' for a blanket,
I'm Bert, Bert, and Rothschild was hurt,
He said, 'You can't sleep there.' I said 'Oh'
He said 'I'm Rothschild sonny.' I said, 'That's damned funny
I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.'
I smile condescendingly
While they're extending me
Cheer upon cheer, when I appear
Captain with my Polo team
So strict are my people, they're William the conqueror's strain
If they ever knew I'd been talking to you
Why they'd never look at me again.

I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten-thirty
And reach Kempton Park about three
I stand by the rail when a horse is for sale
And you ought to see Wooton watch me
I lean on some awning, while Lord Derby's yawning
Then he bids 'Two thousand' and I bid 'Good morning'
I'm Bert, Bert, I'd buy one a cert,
But where could I keep it, you know?
I can't let my man see, me in bed with a Gee Gee
I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.
My pose, though ironical
Shows that my monocle
Hold up my face, keeps it in place
Stops it from slipping away
Cigars, I smoke thousands, I usually deal in the Strand
But you've got to take care, when you're getting them there
Or some idiot might step on your hand.

I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten-thirty
Then Buckingham Palace I view
I stand in the yard while they're changing the guard
And the King shouts across 'Toodle-oo'
The Prince of Wales' brother, along with some other
Claps me on the back and says, 'Come and see Mother'
I'm Bert, Bert, and royalty's hurt,
When they ask me to dine I say 'No
I've just had a banana with Lady Diana
I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.'

Written and composed by William Hargreaves
Performed by Ella Shields (1879 - 1952)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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