Once a very hard-up poet,
Wrote a work, few people know it,
And it's just as well, perhaps, for them they don't
He had offered it serenely,
To a publisher, who meanly,
When requested to peruse it, said. 'I won't.'
Though this stern rebuke impressed him,
It most certainly distressed him,
For he tore his hair and rolled about his eyes,
And remarked, 'I cuss and blame him,
Still there's one way left to shame him,
I will win the Tit Bits twenty guinea prize.'

Chorus: He was almost then as mad as he could be,
For it pained him so much ignorance to see,
Said he, 'If I once begin it,
I feel sure that I shall win it.'
He was almost then, as mad as he could be.

Well, his poem he re-wrote it
(I do not intend to quote it,
Though if needed all the lot I could recall,
And 'twould ruin it to clip it,
It's like nectar when you sip it,
And if started once, I know you'd want it all.)
By some persons of good breeding
'Twas considered nice light reading,
His own relatives declared the work sublime:
Still, he didn't like to send it,
'As somehow he could'nt end it,
For he'd pitched upon a word without a rhyme.

Chorus: And that made him just as mad as he could he,
'Twas a most pathetic spectacle to see,
You could watch him getting fast worse,
And Oh! When he saw that last verse
Well, he was about as mad as he could be.

He's residing now at Hanwell,
And I'm told that no one can well
Guess the money that this lunatic can make.
Any sentimental 'twaddle'
That now strikes his addled noddle,
Ev'ry publisher is but too glad to take.
And for prizes, though he once failed,
Now his efforts are at once hailed,
As the work of one who knows what he's about.
And for rhymes he never sticks now,
All competitors he licks now,
He's the dottiest of dotty poets out.

Chorus: And I know he is as mad as he be,
Why, there never-was a dottier than he,
All his notions are terrific,
And I'll own he is prolific,
But he is about as dotty as can be.

Written, composed and performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
From Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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