I called on the Duchess this morning
The butler who stood in the hall
With a serious face said, 'I'm sorry Her Grace
Is receiving nobody at all
The Duchess played bridge all last evening
It happened that Lady St Clair
Discovered Her Grace held five aces
The Duchess is now undergoing repair.

I called on the Duchess one morning
The Butler looked worried and white
He said with a grave face, 'I regret that Her Grace
Had a smash in her motor last night
The policeman, of course, may recover
Her Grace only did it for sport
She drove on the wrong side and therefore
The Duchess is being 'Presented at Court'.'

I called on the Duchess one morning
The butler said, 'Really Her Grace
Cannot be on view, may I say 'entre nous'
She is having things done to her face.
I'm told that she's having it lifted
And I just heard Lady Macbeth
Say she's had it lifted so often
Her chin gets inflated when she takes a breath.

I called on the Duchess one morning
The old butler said with a bow,
'Her Grace bade me say that the Duke's ill today
He's consulting a specialist now
His wine disagreed with him somewhat
I hardly think he can be cured
The Duchess, of course, is distracted
I gather Her Grace had the Duke well insured.
Written and composed by J.P. Long
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