At the Dogs' Home and the races, everywhere you go
Have you noticed how they vary? Some are smooth and some are hairy
Shapes of apes and just as wary, Darwin tells us so
Everybody's got 'em if you only spot 'em
Every kind and size you find, they worry you until you want to dot 'em
Prigs and preachers, toffs and teachers
Walking about with funny features
Monkey Brand is good for bleachers, but it won't wash clothes.
Some you see are round and dimply, plump as a lump of pudden simply
Some again are pinched and pimply, like a cauliflower
Sanctimonious folks have long 'uns, all mankind to them are wrong 'uns
As teetotallers they're strong 'uns, when the grapes are sour
Some are lantern-jawed 'uns - others big and broad 'uns
When they laugh they fall in half,
Like a nergro's or an old churchwardens
Many a man that looks a good 'un has got a face that's fairly wooden
Like a roley-poley pudden trod on when it's hot.
After them you see the fat 'uns, phizogs of peculiar patterns
Side by side with wide and flat 'uns, whiskers round the rim
Watch the mug that shows the flunkey, sly as a fox and slightly funky
Wide and snide as a ring-tailed monkey, keep your eyes on him
Faces loud and lanky - faces proud and cranky
Different jibs like umbrella ribs, a mixture of a ferret and a Yankee
Chiv's like easels - chiv's like weasels
Put you in mind of Sir Peter Teazle's
Beecham's Pills are good for the measles, Oh God save the Queen.
Ladies too, upon my civvy, each one wears a different chivvy
One's as round as a youngster's mivvy, always on the smile
Watch the face of the maid of forty, ready to choke a joke that's naughty
Weak and cheap as a pianoforte, troubled with the bile
Some have lovely faces - some have ugly traces
Some have chivs like dustmen's sieves
They make 'em up and fake 'em up in places
Everybody without warning has to put up with the dial he's born in
God save Ireland -oh! good morning - Have you used Pears Soap?
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