It's funny how easy some folks are upset
And get cross for nothing at all
Now last week I was passing the house of a friend
So thought that upon him I'd call
I found he was out but his wife said, 'Come in,'
So I no alternative had
But to go in and wait, which I did, he came home
But to see me he didn't seem glad
For he took off his coast, in a rare temper got
And said, 'Now the best thing for you is to trot.'

Chorus: Now fancy telling me that, fancy telling me that
For nothing but this I just happened to be
Sitting down on the couch with his wife on my knee
Well, I didn't mind him kicking me down the stairs
Wasn't cross when he smashed in my hat
But to say that I wasn't to call any more
Now fancy telling me that.

Whenever I think about my wedding day
I fairly get knocked off my perch
For being a timid shy sort of a joss
I felt strange when I got to the church
For just twenty-seven more couples I saw
All waiting there then to get wed
And directly the minister spotted the crowd
He looked straight at me and he said
'As there's such a lot of you, stand in a row
And to save time I'll marry you all at one go.'

Chorus: Now fancy telling me that, fancy telling me that
But I didn't mind so I stood where he said
And the next minute he all the lot of us wed
Then as I was leaving the pew opener said
As politely she gave me my hat
'Excuse me young man but you're married to me.'
Now fancy telling me that.

It wasn't much good crying over spilt milk
So home I then went with my bride
We had breakfast and entertained one or two friends
And to feel a bit jolly I tried
I found that my bride was a widow with five
The eldest of which was just eight
But I thought it was nonsense creating a fuss
So resigned myself unto my fate
Our friends left, then she knocked me all of a heap
By saying, 'I don't know where you're going to sleep.'

Chorus: Now fancy telling me that, fancy telling me that
I thought it was strange but still I didn't care
So I said, 'Oh don't worry put me anywhere.'
Then she said, 'Well the fact of the matter is this
As you'll take so much room being fat
I'll sleep in the bed you can rest underneath.'
Now fancy telling me that.

While staying one Summer at Southend-on-Sea
For a sail with a party I went
The water was smooth, we had music on board
And a most jolly time we all spent
Till all of a sudden we heard a big splash
Then a female most frantic'lly roared
'For heaven's sake do stop the boat.' Then we found
Her youngster had gone overboard
Then the captain said to me, 'Now young man be brave
Undress yourself, go in, and that youngster save.'

Chorus: Now fancy telling me that, fancy telling me that
But to take off my clothes I then some how contrived
And the captain called out, as I, in the sea dived
'We'll stop where we are until you reach the spot
And watch you dive after the brat
Then if you don't come up we'll reckon you're drowned.'
Now fancy telling me that.
Performed by Walter Wallis
Written and composed by Harry Boden & Henry E. Pether
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