I went to a race-course last July, far, far away
I backed a horse called 'Kidney Pie' far, far away
My horse it won, I danced with glee, I went to draw my L.S.D.
But the bookmaker, where was he? Far, far away.

My friend Jim is a fireman bold, he puts out fires
He went to a fire, last week, I'm told, 'cos he puts out fires
The flames set fire to some dynamite, where Jim went we don't know quite
But wherever he's gone he'll be alright, 'cos he puts out fires.

When my wife's mother was taken ill I pulled her through
Although I've got no doctor's skill I pulled her through
They sent for me at half past four, I went and found poor ma-in-law
Was simply lying at death's door, so I pulled her through.

I'm engaged to a charming girl and she's coming out tonight
She's eyes like diamonds, teeth like pearls and she's coming out tonight
I'll take her down a rustic dell. I'm stoney broke, it's sad to tell
So if she's got eyes like diamonds, well, they're coming out tonight.

Everything my wife gets, her sister wants
Bearskin coats and sealskin sets, her sister wants
Although she's single I may say, she copies my wife in every way
My wife had a baby yesterday - Heaven bless Lloyd George.

My boy at school an essay wrote, called the 'Bitter End'
It was a splendid anecdote called the 'Bitter End'
When teacher read it she turned white,
For these were the words my boy did write
'A dog chased our tom cat last night and he bit her end.'

Written and composed by Worton David and Sam Mayo
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875 -1938)
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