My old mother struck a funny idea with my father yesterday;
She got tired of patching up his trousers, so she stuck another way.
As he is so massive built, set to work and made a kilt.
All the kids said 'What a lark!' as he sauntered through the park.

Chorus: Father did look funny. Funny-unny-unny-unny.
As he strolled beneath the trees, came along a swarm of bumble bees.
All around his lovely kilt they started making honey.
He waddled like a duck 'cos his legs got stuck.
And father did look funny.

Poor old father, riding in a tramcar it was fairly packed inside.
Some old fat girl come along and stopped it;she'd made up her mind to ride.
Conductor said: 'That poor old chap'll let you sit upon his lap.
She flopped down he gave a groan, it must have hurt his funny bone.

Chorus: Father did look funny. Funny-unny-unny-unny.
He said: 'Don't you wriggle so, making me feel like a lump of dough.'
He was fairly doubled up; she'd settled in his tummy.
He was bent in there like an old armchair,
And father did look funny.

Father once he had a lot of whiskers, you could turn south into north.
In the field he went and lad a lay-down. Some old donkey chewed 'em off.
When his face the old girl saw, said 'You'll have to grow some more.'
Laid him down and, with a pin, stuck the moles all round his chin.

Chorus: Father did look funny. Funny-unny-unny-unny.
Filled up all the holes with glue, didn't know what she was going to do.
Still she pulled some hair out of the back of our old bunny.
Covered up his skin with the rabbit skin
And father did look funny.

Once we struck a very funny gag to pay up all the rents we owe.
Painted Father, stuck him in the garden like a man from Borneo.
Spots and dots of different shades, married women and old maids
They all came to have a feel, to see if all his pot was real.

Chorus: Father did look funny. Funny-unny-unny-unny.
Like a tattooed Hottentot, everybody they touched the spot
Making such a lot of money; one saw round his tummy.
'It's made from cork,' but they weren't quite sure
But father did look funny.

Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
More Harry Champion
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ