In my childhood days my mother used to say that I was good - so good
She used to think that I would be a parson by and by, so good - so good
She got so very curious that she could not resist
Taking me one day to a phrenologist
She said to him, 'I want you please to tell me, if you can
What Johnny will be good for when he gets to be a man.'
And this was his report,

Refrain: He said, 'boy's head too thick - like brick
No brain, that's plain, poor lot! crack pot!
Yes, ma'am, I am sure he will be good - for nothing!'

I was once clean gone on a fascinating Miss, so good - so good.
I clapped my heels and hollered, when she let me have a kiss, that's good, so good.
She told me she'd got money, and of course at once I said
'You're the only girl in the world that I could wed.'
She flung her arms around my neck and kissed me black and blue
We married - ah! but long before the honeymoon was through
Well, this was my report,

Refrain: Sad life! my wife spoofed me badly
Her bank - all 'swank' no quids, ten kids
She'd got, nice lot! you know, all so, good for nothing.

At the races once I was on the winning horse, so good! so good
I went up to the 'bookie' and I drew the 'oof' of course, felt good quite good
I felt so very jolly with my pockets full of cash
Took the train to London, thought I'd like to cut a dash
I went into a bar and on the counter put my tin
The guv'nor came and looked at it and then he did a grin
And this was his report,

Refrain: This lot, all rot, you stop! fetch slop
Slop came, saw game, pinched me smartly
Picked some oakum. My brass no class, good for nothing.

I shall ne'er forget when I smoked my first cigar. It looked so good
I took it in the cellar out of sight of my papa, so good, so good
It didn't cost me much, you know, a penny was the charge
Struck a match, lit up and felt so very fine and large
I puffed away serenely, but a little later on
Papa came down and found me, and said, 'What's the matter John?'

Refrain: 'Oh Papa! cigar - strong smoke! no joke!
So queer, just here - half dead.' I said
No more - oh lor! - see? 'cos I was good for nothing.
Performed by Johnny Worman
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