I am a merry sort of chap, that's me
I laugh ha-ha and I laugh he-he
At anything funny, well, I simply shriek
Me father had his hand blown off last week.

Chorus: Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he
Me father simply roared the same as me
'It could have been worse,' I said with a grin
'It might have been the hand with the wages in.'

I jumped out of bed this morning at four
A bell kept ringing at my front door
I opened the window when a chap cried, 'Fred
I'm sorry if I woke you up.' he said.

Chorus: 'Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he
I'm ringing up the chap next door.' said he
'He hasn't got a bell on either of his doors
So I thought you wouldn't mind if I rang yours.

We've got a baby and he cries all day
Last night I said to me dear wife, Fay
'Why don't you smack him?' but she answered, 'Jim
He's yours as well as mine, so you smack him.'

Chorus: 'Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he
That baby's half yours,' she said to me
'The bay's half mine,' I answered back.
But mine is the end that you don't have to smack.'

I tore me trousers at the Fancy Ball
And soon had my back up against the wall
'What is the matter, Sir?' a lady cried
'Turn round and let me see.' But I replied,

Chorus: 'Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he'
I wouldn't turn round so she said to me
'You're not a man you're only a worm.'
And I said, 'This worm's not going to turn.'

I saw a notice in a restaurant,
'Try our pork pies and you can't go wrong.'
'Bring me a couple.' I at once did shout,
I stuck my fork in one, then it cried out:

Chorus: Ha! Ha! Ha! He! He! He!
The boss he came along and said to me,
'Will you try another, Sir?' but I did screech;
'If I try any more I'll give 'em twelve months each!'

I went the other night to Doctor Wise,
Said he, 'My boy, you want exercise,
Now, every evening when you go to bed,
On an empty stomach skip an hour.' he said.

Chorus: Ha! Ha! Ha! He! He! He!
I followed his instructions carefully,
On an empty stomach I skipped, twas fine,
Till the wife cried, 'You fool, he didn't mean mine!'

I got run over and I felt sore,
They carried me home on a front street door,
Very little clothes on my form had I,
I looked so very queer my wife did cry,

Chorus: Ha! Ha! Ha! He! He! He!
'That door is rather hard for you.' cried she.
I said, I wouldn't mind it being hard, that's clear,
But there's such a draught through the letter-box, dear.'
Written and composed by Worton David & Sam Mayo
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
Performed by Ben Albert (1876-1925)
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