I'm moving to a quiet neighbourhood,
Where I am, they're getting very rough,
The ladies, where I'm leaving, get a black-eye every evening,
Where I'm going, one a week's enough;
And when they go to market early of a Saturday,
They seem to treat each other in a pleasant sort o' way.
They don't stand scanal-mongering,
And running people down, they only say as I might say,
If I met Mrs. Brown.

Chorus: Hello, old dear, Hello old dear, how are you getting on, old dear?
Of course you've heard about Missus McGee,
Her husband caught her on the lodger's knee.
I s'pose you've heard that Missus Brown had twins
And Missus Jones is on the beer,
I could tell you such a lot if I'd only got the time,
Come and have a drop o' gin, old dear.

A very pleasant woman, Mrs Green,
She never talks of other folks affairs,
She don't go in for nagging and she doesn't like chin wagging,
And she's never known to put on airs;
Her manner's always most polite, her hair so nicely curled
She wouldn't say a word about her neighbours for the world
So yesterday when I went round to have a cup of tea
Well I was not at all surprised, to hear her say to 'me:-

Chorus: Hullo old dear, Hullo old dear, How yer getting on, old dear?
I suppose you've heard how Mrs Johnson brags
About her clothing, why they're simply rags
Come and have a look at 'em they're hanging on the line
That affair on the left looks queer,
See that great big slit in it, of course she's getting fat
Have another cup of tea old dear.

Patter: Dear me, the trouble I do have with my neighbours, only the other day Mrs Johnston put her head over the wall and said - they tell me you've been going round telling lies about me, I said think yourself lucky I don't go round telling the truth about you. Five minutes after she popped her head over again and said - do you know your old man is down at the police station for intoxication, I said - what of it, she said - why dont you go and bail him out, I said - bail him out? why if he's drunk you couldn't pump him out. Alright, alright, I'm coming! I'm just having a chat to Mrs Johnston.

There's a person in our neighbourhood that, well
I wouldn't give a character away;
But as we're all together, and it won't go any further,
I feel it only right to say;
She met a Mrs Johnston, that's a lady with a past,
And a lady with a thirst as well, if anyone should 'ast
I'm not a scandalmonger, but may I never stir,
The person I'm referring to went up and said to her,

Chorus: Hello old dear, Hello old dear, How yer getting on old dear,
And then she said, well, between you and me,
She's no better than she ought to be;
(Voice at side - Time please gentlemen, time please gents)
Hullo! what's that I hear,
Can it be the pubs are closing, must tell you later on,
There's a penny on the can, old dear,

Written and composed by T. Woottwell and J.P. Harrington - 1906
Performed by Tom Woottwell (1865 - 1941)
Arranged by Sam Aarons
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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