I will tell you of a man, who'd a tricky, artful plan,
Which made people fancy he was really clever,
And a learned person too, though now strictly entre nous
He had very seldom read a book, if ever.
But, in wonder, folks would stare, he had such a modest air,
His own trumpet no-one ever caught him blowing;
Still, on all sides you would hear, that he was a man to fear,
There was nought to know, he didn't know, worth knowing.

Chorus: Or he'd know it! Yes, he knew it!
Those who took him for a flat would livr to rue it.
If the man he played at 'Nap' held two aces in his lap,
You might bet your bottom dollar that he knew it!

Though he wasn't one to boast, on a little bit of toast,
He had not been had by any living creature;
All who met him would admit that he didn't brag a bit,
For simplicity with him was quite a feature.
Say it somehow had occurred that a riddle you had heard,
And which no-one had succeeded yet in guessing,
You would look him up and say, in your most emphatic way,
'Now my friend I've come to give you such a dressing!'

Chorus: But he'd know it! Yes, he knew it!
The riddle and the proper answer to it;
Though perhaps he would not deign any further to explain,
He would say, ''Twas quite sufficient that he knew it!'

If you knew a stock of tales, strictly moral ones for males,
Which had often caused considerable laughter,
Knowing how they'd been received, what a triumph they achieved,
You would try them on this clever person, after,
Say you met him quite by chance, at his sphinx-like face you'd glance,
Then you'd chuckle prematurely at the glory,
Which you'd have a right to claim, which would bring undying fame,
Just for telling him a brand-new funny story.

Chorus: But he'd know it! Oh, he knew it!
'Twas a chestnut and he knew the man who grew it,
He would listen with a grin to the yarn you had to spin,
And when you'd finished, tell you that, he knew it!

He was seldom known to drink, though in others he would wink,
At intemperances little peccadilloes,
He would say the horrid stuff pays 'em all out quite enough
When they lay their weary heads upon their pillows!
Still, as often is the case, even good men fall from grace,
He'd been dining with some friends he says his Pa knows;
Now the wine was very good, it had all come from the wood,
And the restaurant I think was called Romano's.

Chorus: And he knew it! Oh, he knew it!
Though it was very seldom he would overdo it.
Thirteen whiskies he had had, can you wonder he felt bad,
When they told him he was tipsy, why, he knew it!

There's a popular M.P. he's as artful as can be,
You'll hear people call him most disinterested;
But, although he loudly spouts, I confess I have my doubts,
And should rather like to see the fellow tested.
When some secret is disclosed, or a new bill is proposed,
He will go to work at once in manner hearty;
He oppesed the Royal Grants with emphatic, 'No, they shan'ts!'
Just to stand out as a hero with his party.

Chorus: And he knew it! Yes, he knew it!
As he raised a very strong objection to it;
Though he voted 'gain st the Bill, I'm of this opinion still,
His remonstrance was all bunkum and he knew it!

Now our good old friend, 'The Shah' to this country's said, 'Ta-ta!'
His arrival curiosity excited,
He came over here in style and we made it worth his while,
With his welcome he was pleased to be delighted.
When the noble Earl of Fife took unto himself a wife,
Our distinguished persian pal was down at Brighton.
And though gifts on every side showered on bridegroom and on bride,
Came a present from 'The Shah? Not e'en a slight 'un!

Chorus: Still he knew it! Oh, he knew it!
Britain fattened up thge calf for him and slew it;
But he did not choose to go to that matrimonial show;
If he went it meant a present, and he knew it!

Written and composed by Albert Chevalier & Charles Ingle - 1889
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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