I spend three 'apence on the papers every day,
Cos I'm a politician in a humble sort of way.
When people sez a thing is right an' others sez it ain't,
I arsts them if they understands the cause of their complaint?
An' hif not, why not? That's wot I maintain
Nuffink I can recommend like study for the brain.
There's harguments on hevry side, you've gotter know the lot.
To them as don't, well what I sez is hif not, why not?

In most things I may say as I am not afraid ter speak,
Until I tackles temperance, an' there I'm rather weak.
Cos hif a pal says 'Ave a glass?' an' you sez 'No, I won't',
Is 'e ter blame fo' 'avin one? or you becos you don't?
An hif not, why not? there you are agin!
There's water as ain't fit ter drink, in fact it's wuss than gin,
We all should be teetotal, hif the taste we quite forgot,
Now can't we do away with taste? an' hif not, why not?

Just take this Fiscal Tariff, wot a lot of fuss it's made,
I've 'alf a mind, all hon my hown, to start a new crusade:
I'd make 'em all sit hup a bit, I'd say 'Now wot's amiss?'
'D' yer want Protection, or Free Trade?' it all amahnts ter this.
Hif not, why not? can you answer that?
Never mind what C.B. sez, or Chamberlain is at,
Let's git dahn to the bed-rock fust. Who's talking tommy-rot?
Can both on 'em be right I arst? an' hif not, why not?

It seems ter me the matter's one quite easy to arrange.
The only thing we want, to make us 'appy is a change.
Take me for instance, 'ere I ham, as hev'ry one can see,
Now 'ave I not the makin's of a heloquent M.P.?
An hif not, why not? that's wot I maintain,
I was never meant to work, it goes agin the grain.
The King could make a Dook of me, hinstanter hon the spot.
I don't suppose 'e hever will, but hif not, why not?
Written and composed by Albert Chevalier & Alfred E. West
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
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